Laura: Most sex advice for women is wrong. It focuses on technique, on tricks. But what if the secret to mind-blowing sex has almost nothing to do with what you do with your hands, and everything to do with a shaky bridge in Canada from 1974? Sophia: A bridge? Okay, you have my full attention. That is not where I thought this was going. Laura: That wild idea is at the heart of He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man by Dr. Ian Kerner. Sophia: Right, Kerner is a well-known sexuality counselor, and this book is the famous companion to his massive bestseller, She Comes First. He wrote this because he felt that after empowering men to understand female pleasure, the conversation around male sexuality was still stuck in the dark ages. Laura: Exactly. He argues that to truly understand male pleasure, you have to get past the stereotypes and into the psychology. Which brings us right back to that shaky bridge.

Laura: So, in 1974, two psychologists, Arthur Aron and Donald Dutton, conducted this brilliant experiment at the Capilano River in Canada. The location had two bridges: one was a very stable, sturdy wooden bridge just ten feet above the water. The other was a narrow, wobbly suspension bridge hanging 250 feet over a rocky canyon. Sophia: I’m already getting nervous just picturing it. Laura: That's the point! The researchers had an attractive female psychologist stop unaccompanied men as they crossed one of the two bridges. She’d ask them to participate in a quick survey and then, at the end, she’d give them her phone number, inviting them to call if they wanted to know the results. Sophia: Let me guess. The guys on the scary, shaky bridge called her way more often. Laura: Way more. They were significantly more likely to call her and even ask for a date. The study introduced this powerful idea called 'misattribution of arousal.' The men were mistaking the physiological arousal from the fear of the bridge—the racing heart, the sweaty palms—for intense romantic or sexual attraction to the woman. Sophia: Hold on. So the guys weren't actually more attracted to her, they were just confusing their fear-adrenaline with romantic excitement? That's both hilarious and kind of profound. Laura: It’s incredibly profound. And this is Kerner's central metaphor. He says most of us lead our sex lives on the 'stable, sturdy bridge'—it’s safe, it’s predictable, it’s routine, and ultimately, it’s boring. The real heat, the real desire, happens on the shaky bridge, in a space of vulnerability, risk, and high-stakes excitement. Sophia: That makes so much sense. But let's be real for a second. The book got some mixed reviews, with some readers saying the advice felt a bit obvious. Is the idea that 'men have performance anxiety' really a hot take in the 21st century? Laura: That's a fair critique if you only look at the surface. But Kerner goes much deeper. He’s not just saying men are anxious; he’s diagnosing why. He talks about a phenomenon called 'spectatoring,' where men are so worried about their performance that they mentally step outside of themselves and watch themselves have sex, judging every move. Sophia: Oh, that sounds awful. Like being the star and the critic in your own terrible one-man show. Laura: Exactly. And he argues this is massively fueled by pornography's unrealistic standards. He shares a story from a patient, a 27-year-old named Matt, who says porn has completely 'fucked up' his sex life. He’s conditioned himself to see sex as a race to the finish line. He gets aroused and immediately fast-forwards to the 'money shot,' skipping any sense of journey or connection. Sophia: Wow. So it's not just a simple case of anxiety. It's that their entire internal 'script' for sex is broken. It’s all destination, no journey. And that completely kills the possibility of being on that shaky bridge, because you can't be vulnerable and thrilled if you're just trying to get to the end of a checklist. Laura: You've nailed it. Kerner quotes another man, Jonathan, who feels that the internet has made his erotic life external and lonely. He used to use his imagination, but now he just consumes images and feels depressed afterward. The book argues that to truly pleasure a man, you have to understand this internal battle. You have to get inside his head before you can get inside his pants. Sophia: Okay, that’s a much deeper insight. It’s about rescuing him from his own broken script.

Laura: Precisely. And that idea of 'destination vs. journey' is the perfect transition to Kerner's second big idea, which is that we need to completely abolish the word 'foreplay'. Sophia: Abolish it? I'm listening. The word does have a certain… clinical, almost obligatory feel to it. Laura: Kerner argues the term itself is the problem. 'Foreplay' implies it's just a prelude, an opening act for the 'main event,' which is always intercourse. This creates a hierarchy of sexual acts and reinforces that goal-oriented, checklist mentality. He proposes we replace it with the term 'coreplay.' Sophia: Coreplay. I like that. It sounds more integrated, more central. Laura: That's the idea. Coreplay recontextualizes everything—oral sex, manual stimulation, kissing, touching—as its own self-contained, valuable feature on a dynamic sexual menu. There is no main event; the entire experience is the event. He uses this fantastic analogy of a gourmet dinner. He says many men treat sex like a child who wolfs down the appetizer and main course just to get to the dessert, the orgasm. They miss all the flavor and nuance along the way. Sophia: I love that analogy. 'Foreplay' is the salad you have to eat before you get the cake. 'Coreplay' is realizing the salad is also delicious. But what does that look like in practice? Is it just... more touching for longer? Laura: It's a shift in mindset that leads to a shift in action. It’s about slowing everything down. It's about understanding that orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing—a man can have one without the other. And most importantly, it's about exploring what Kerner calls the 'love map.' Sophia: Okay, 'love map,' what's that? Is that like a G-spot map with little pins for erogenous zones? Laura: Not quite a physical map. It's more of a psychological and emotional blueprint of our unique desires, fantasies, and turn-ons. It's our sexual fingerprint. Kerner argues that relying on generic porn is like eating a Twinkie when you could be having rich, complex, artisanal dark chocolate. It’s a quick sugar hit, but it’s not truly satisfying. Coreplay is about discovering and exploring your own and your partner's unique flavor. Sophia: And I guess you can't discover a map if you're just racing to the 'X marks the spot.' You have to actually explore the territory. Laura: That’s the entire philosophy. It’s about being present and curious. He tells a great story about a woman named Wanda whose fiancé, Bob, said their sex life was boring. So Wanda goes into overdrive, buying costumes and practicing deep-throating on zucchinis. Sophia: Oh no. The poor zucchini. Laura: Right? But nothing worked. Kerner’s advice was simple: next time Bob masturbates, just put your hand over his and feel what he does. Learn his rhythm, his pressure, his unique 'love map.' She did, and it changed everything. The zucchinis were retired. It wasn't about a new technique; it was about genuine, attuned understanding. Sophia: That’s fascinating. It takes the pressure off being a performer and puts the focus on being an explorer. It’s about getting that 'head-heart' connection he talks about, where the emotional and psychological are just as important as the physical.

Laura: It really is. When you put it all together—the shaky bridge and the coreplay—it becomes clear that the book's real message is that great sex isn't a physical skill to be mastered. It’s an emotional and psychological space that you have to co-create with your partner. Sophia: A space where you can both be vulnerable and adventurous. I think that's what's so powerful about the shaky bridge idea. It's not about one person performing for the other; it's about two people taking a risk together. Laura: Exactly. And that’s the secret to long-term passion. In the conclusion of the book, Kerner revisits the story of a patient named Charlie, who has this incredible, vibrant sex life with his wife of nearly ten years. When Kerner asks for his secret, Charlie says it’s not about any specific technique. His secret is that their relationship is like the universe—it’s always expanding. They are always discovering new things about each other, sharing what he calls 'sexy secrets' that are unique to them. Sophia: So the ultimate technique is just... relentless, curious discovery. That's so much more profound than '10 tips to drive him wild.' It’s about cultivating a shared world. Laura: A shared world built on trust and novelty. It's a 'thinking woman's guide' because it asks you to think, to be present, to be curious, and to be brave. Sophia: It really reframes the whole conversation. It leaves me with a powerful question: Are we building our relationships on a stable, boring bridge, or are we brave enough to walk the shaky one together? Laura: I love that. And we'd love to hear what you all think. Does the idea of 'coreplay' resonate with you? Or have you ever had a 'shaky bridge' moment in your own life? Find us on our socials and share your thoughts. We're always curious to hear how these ideas land. Sophia: This is Aibrary, signing off.