Olivia: Most parenting advice is a trap. The sticker charts, the time-outs, the reward systems... they're all designed to shape behavior. But what if the secret to raising great humans has nothing to do with behavior at all? What if focusing on it is the very thing holding you back? Jackson: Holding me back? That sounds like a pretty bold claim. Most parents I know, myself included, are desperate for anything that works to stop the chaos. We're told to be consistent, to set consequences. You're saying that's the trap? Olivia: That's the provocative idea at the heart of what we're exploring today. It comes from Dr. Becky Kennedy's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. And what's so compelling is that Dr. Kennedy is a clinical psychologist with a PhD from Columbia. She was trained in all the standard, "evidence-based" methods. Jackson: The ones with the data to back them up. Olivia: Exactly. But she tells this story about how, after becoming a mother herself, she'd be in her private practice, giving this expert advice to other parents, and she'd feel sick to her stomach. She realized these methods, which are all based on behaviorism, were prioritizing compliance over connection. They were teaching parents how to extinguish behaviors, but at the cost of the relationship with their child. Jackson: Wow. So she's basically having a crisis of faith in her own training. That’s a powerful starting point. It makes sense why she’s been called the "millennial parenting whisperer" – she’s questioning the very systems we inherited. Olivia: She is. And it led her to a foundational principle that flips everything on its head. She says our goal as parents is not to shape behavior. Our goal is to raise humans. Jackson: Okay, I love the sound of that. But it also sounds… abstract. If we're not supposed to focus on the behavior—the hitting, the yelling, the not listening—what are we supposed to focus on?

Olivia: We're supposed to focus on the human having the behavior. Dr. Becky's entire philosophy rests on one core, and admittedly controversial, belief: everyone, parents and children, is good inside. Jackson: Okay, but hold on. That's where I think a lot of people get stuck. I've seen my kid do something, like push his sister just to get a reaction, and in that moment, it does not feel like he's 'good inside.' It feels like he's being a little monster. Olivia: I completely get that. And the book has received some polarizing reviews for this very reason. Some readers find the 'good inside' premise a bit too idealistic. But Dr. Becky's point is that seeing your child as good inside doesn't excuse the bad behavior. It’s the key to actually changing it. Jackson: How does that work? How does believing my kid is good stop him from pushing his sister? Olivia: Because it changes your starting point from judgment to curiosity. You stop seeing the behavior as the problem and start seeing it as a clue. It's a window into their internal world. The pushing isn't the story; it's the headline. Your job is to get curious about the story. What's the unmet need? What's the lagging skill? What's the overwhelming feeling that's causing this? Jackson: So you’re saying the behavior is just a symptom of something deeper. Olivia: Precisely. And if you only treat the symptom—say, with a time-out for pushing—you never address the underlying cause. The problem will just pop up somewhere else. Maybe next time it's not pushing, it's lying or defiance. Jackson: I can see that. You're just playing whack-a-mole with behaviors. Olivia: You are. Dr. Becky tells a powerful story in the book that illustrates this perfectly. A family is planning a special birthday lunch for their older son, Nico. They gently tell the younger son that he won't be coming, that he'll stay with Grandma. Jackson: Oh, I can already feel the tension. That's a tough one for a little kid. Olivia: It is. And the younger son completely loses it. He looks at his mom and yells, "You and Daddy are going out with Nico without me? I hate you! You're the worst mom in the world!" Jackson: Whoa. Okay. That is a gut punch. My first instinct, and I think most parents' instinct, would be to come down hard on that. "You do not talk to me that way!" Punishment, lecture, something to shut down that level of disrespect. Olivia: Right. That's the behavior-first approach. But if you operate from the "good inside" principle, you take a different path. You have to ask yourself, "What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?" Jackson: A generous interpretation of "I hate you"? That's a tall order. Olivia: It is. But the generous interpretation isn't that he's a hateful, disrespectful kid. It's that he's a little person overwhelmed by a massive wave of pain. The "I hate you" isn't a reflection of his character; it's a flare signal of his hurt. He's feeling jealous, left out, and his nervous system is completely flooded. Jackson: So the 'bad' behavior is really just a clumsy, dysregulated expression of a valid feeling. Olivia: Exactly. So instead of punishing, the parent in the story takes a breath and says, "Wow, those are big words. Let me take a breath... I hear how upset you are. Tell me more." She doesn't condone the words, but she connects with the feeling underneath them. She sees the good kid having a hard time. Jackson: And that connection is what actually helps him learn to manage those big feelings in the future, instead of just learning to suppress them out of fear. Olivia: That's the entire revolution. You're not fixing the behavior. You're building the person. You're wiring their brain for emotional regulation by co-regulating with them in their hardest moments. Jackson: It makes so much sense when you lay it out like that. But it requires a huge mental shift in the heat of the moment. It feels like it requires a specific tool to stop your own reactive brain from taking over.

Olivia: It absolutely does. And that ability to see the pain underneath the 'I hate you' is powered by the most practical and, I think, brilliant tool in the book: the principle that 'Two Things Are True.' Jackson: Okay, I'm intrigued. What does that mean? Olivia: It's the psychological skill of holding two, often contradictory, realities at the same time without needing to erase one of them. Dr. Becky argues that most family conflict comes from what she calls "convincing mode." I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm going to convince you of my reality. Jackson: Oh, I live in convincing mode. "It's not cold!" "You're not hungry, you just ate!" "There's nothing to be scared of!" Olivia: We all do! But convincing mode creates disconnection and power struggles. The alternative is "understanding mode," which is fueled by 'Two Things Are True.' Let's take a classic example from the book: the power struggle over wearing a jacket. It's cold outside. You, the parent, know a jacket is necessary. Your child insists, "I'm not cold!" Jackson: The daily battle. And my response is usually to double down on the facts. "It is 40 degrees! Look at the thermometer! You will wear this jacket!" Olivia: Which is pure convincing mode. And how does that usually end? Jackson: With yelling, crying, and someone, usually me, forcing the jacket onto a rigid, angry child. It's miserable for everyone. Olivia: Right. Because you're trying to invalidate their reality. The 'Two Things Are True' approach sounds like this: you kneel down and say, "Okay, two things are true right now. It is cold outside and my job is to keep you safe and warm. AND... you really, really don't feel cold in your body right now and you don't want to wear a jacket. Both of those things are true." Jackson: Huh. That's... disarming. You're not arguing with them. You're validating their internal experience while still holding the boundary. Olivia: You're validating their reality! The child's primary need in that moment isn't to win the jacket war; it's to feel seen and understood. When you say "You really don't feel cold," their whole body softens because they don't have to fight to defend their perspective anymore. Jackson: It's like you're moving from being opponents in a fight to being partners looking at a problem. The problem is "how do we solve this difference in perception?" Olivia: Precisely. And from that connected place, you can find a solution. "Since both things are true, what should we do? Maybe you can go out without it, but we bring it with us, and you promise to put it on the moment you feel a chill." The child, feeling heard, is a thousand times more likely to cooperate. Jackson: That connects directly to another big idea in the book, doesn't it? This idea of prioritizing resilience over happiness. Olivia: It's the foundation of it. So many of us think our job is to make our kids happy, to remove all their discomfort. If they're sad they can't have ice cream for breakfast, we try to distract them or cheer them up. But Dr. Becky argues that's a disservice. Jackson: Because life is full of disappointment, and if they never learn to handle it, they'll be incredibly fragile adults. Olivia: Exactly. Resilience isn't the absence of tough feelings; it's the ability to move through tough feelings and know you'll be okay on the other side. So when your child is melting down because screen time is over, 'Two Things Are True' applies again. "The rule is no more screens before dinner, AND you are so sad and angry that screen time is over. I get it. It's hard to stop doing something fun." Jackson: You're not giving in. The boundary is firm. But you're sitting with them in their disappointment. You're not trying to fix their sadness; you're just being present with it. Olivia: You're being their emotional co-regulator. You're showing them, "This feeling is survivable. I'm right here with you." That is an infinitely more valuable gift than five more minutes of cartoons. You are literally building their capacity to handle life's frustrations. Jackson: It’s a long-term investment instead of a short-term fix. You're building what she calls "connection capital." Olivia: Yes! Every time you validate their feelings, every time you use 'Two Things Are True,' you're making a deposit in that connection bank account. And you need a healthy balance in that account, because every time you have to enforce a rule or say no, you're making a withdrawal. Jackson: And if your account is empty because you've been stuck in convincing mode, you have no leverage. The relationship is bankrupt. Olivia: And that's when you see the really difficult behaviors emerge. Because the child feels fundamentally disconnected and misunderstood.

Jackson: It really all comes back to that one core belief, doesn't it? If you can truly convince yourself, in that moment of chaos, that your child is 'good inside' and just having a hard time, everything else follows. You stop reacting to the surface behavior and you start looking for the story underneath. Olivia: You do. And the 'Two Things Are True' framework is the flashlight you use to find that story in the dark. It's the practical script that allows you to put the 'Good Inside' philosophy into action when your own nervous system is screaming at you to just take control. Jackson: What I find most powerful is that this approach isn't just for the child. It feels like a massive act of self-compassion for the parent, too. Olivia: It is. And that might be the most important takeaway. Dr. Becky says one of the most powerful mantras in the book is for the parents themselves. When you've lost your cool, when you've yelled, when you feel like you've failed, the mantra isn't "I'm a terrible parent." It's "I am a good parent having a hard time." Jackson: Wow. That's 'Two Things Are True' applied to yourself. "I am a good person AND I just did something I'm not proud of." It separates your identity from your behavior. Olivia: It does. It gives you the grace to repair and try again, instead of spiraling into shame, which just leads to more disconnection. So if there's one concrete thing listeners could try this week, it's that. The next time you feel overwhelmed or you mess up, just pause and say that to yourself: "I am a good parent having a hard time." Jackson: And maybe follow it up with that other question. The one that starts it all. Olivia: Exactly. Ask yourself the question Dr. Becky poses: "What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?" Apply it to your child, and just as importantly, apply it to yourself. Jackson: That feels like a muscle you could build over time. We'd actually love to hear how that goes. If you try it, share your 'Most Generous Interpretation' moments with us on our social channels. It’s a fascinating, and probably very challenging, practice. Olivia: It's a practice that could change everything. It's not about finding the perfect technique; it's about starting a revolution inside your own home, based on the simple, radical belief that you, and your child, are already good inside. Jackson: A powerful and hopeful place to end. Olivia: This is Aibrary, signing off.