Mark: What if the thing you hate most about yourself, the thing you think makes you 'weird,' is actually your greatest asset? We're often told to fix our flaws, but today's book argues we should rebrand them instead. It’s a wild idea with a powerful story behind it. Michelle: Okay, that’s a bold opening. Rebrand my flaws? My flaw is that I can never find my keys. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to rebrand that into a superpower. "The Woman Who Enriches the Locksmith Industry"? Mark: (laughs) Maybe! But we're talking about the deeper stuff. The internal stories we tell ourselves. The book we’re diving into today is Get Off Your "But": How to End Self-Sabotage and Stand Up for Yourself by Sean Stephenson. Michelle: Ah, I’ve heard of this one. It’s got that classic, punchy self-help title. It’s one of those books that gets a lot of love from readers, but also some side-eye for being part of that "just think positive" wave. Mark: It definitely fits the genre, but what makes this book so profoundly different is Sean's own story. He was born with osteogenesis imperfecta, a rare bone disorder that left his bones extremely brittle. He stood just three feet tall and used a wheelchair his entire life. When he was born, doctors predicted he wouldn't survive a single day. Michelle: Whoa. Okay, hold on. That changes the entire context. This isn't just some guru in an ivory tower. This is someone who lived with unimaginable challenges from the moment he was born. Mark: Exactly. And he didn't just survive; he became a board-certified therapist, a globally sought-after motivational speaker, and even worked on Capitol Hill. He was mentored by Tony Robbins. His life was a masterclass in defying limitations. So when he talks about getting off your "but," he's speaking from the deepest possible well of experience. Michelle: That’s incredible. Suddenly the title has so much more weight. It’s not just a clever pun. It’s his life’s philosophy. So where does he start? How do you even begin to tackle these huge internal barriers? Mark: He starts small. In fact, he argues you can change a life with a single word. And the story he uses to prove it is just unforgettable.

Mark: It begins with a phone call he gets in his office. It's from a frantic mother. Her young daughter is being relentlessly bullied at school. The reason? The little girl was born with webbed fingers, and the other kids are calling her a "freak" and "weird." She's coming home in tears every single day, her confidence completely shattered. The mother is desperate and asks Sean, as a therapist, what she can possibly do. Michelle: Oh, that's just heartbreaking. Every parent's nightmare. You feel so helpless when your kid is in that kind of pain. What did he tell her? Mark: He asked to speak to the little girl directly. He gets on the phone and says, "I hear some of the kids at school are calling you weird." And you can just imagine this little, defeated voice saying "Yeah..." He then asks her, "Do you know what the word 'weird' means?" She doesn't, really. So Sean says, "Weird just means 'different.' And you are different. But let me ask you something. Do you think being memorable is a good thing or a bad thing?" Michelle: I can see where this is going. That’s a brilliant reframe. Mark: It is. The girl, of course, says being memorable is a good thing. So Sean makes a proposal. He says, "The next time a kid calls you weird, I want you to look them right in the eye, smile, and say, 'Thanks! I'm not weird, I'm memorable.'" He has her practice it with him right there on the phone. "I'm not weird, I'm memorable." Michelle: Wow. So what happened? Did it actually work? Mark: The mother called back a few weeks later, and she was ecstatic. She said the change was immediate and total. The next day at school, a bully came up to her daughter and said, "Ha, you have weird fingers!" And the little girl, just as she practiced, smiled and said, "Thanks! I'm not weird, I'm memorable." The bully was so thrown off, he just walked away, confused. From that day on, she owned it. Her confidence soared. She became known as the "memorable" girl. One word changed her entire social reality. Michelle: That gives me chills. It’s so simple, but so profound. She didn't change her fingers; she changed the story about her fingers. This must be the core of what he means by getting off your "but." Her "but" was, "I want to be happy, but I have these weird fingers." Mark: Precisely. He calls these our "BUTS"—our Big UnTamed Excuses. They're the fears, insecurities, and justifications we use to sabotage ourselves. And his argument is that we all have them. "I'd start a business, but I don't have the money." "I'd ask for a raise, but my boss is intimidating." "I'd be happy, but my past was too difficult." He says these are just stories, and like any story, they can be rewritten. Michelle: I love the concept. But let me play devil's advocate here, because this is where some critics push back on the self-help genre. That's a beautiful story about one child and one word. But what about deep-seated trauma? Or systemic issues like poverty or discrimination? Can you really just "rebrand" those away? It feels like it could risk simplifying very complex problems. Mark: That's a fair and important question. And Stephenson wouldn't say you can just wish away a real-world problem. His focus is on what you control. You might not control the economy, but you control the story you tell yourself about your financial prospects. He has this powerful quote: "Believing is seeing." We think it's the other way around, that we see reality and then form beliefs. He argues our beliefs act as a filter, determining what reality we're even capable of seeing. Michelle: Okay, so it’s less about denying reality and more about changing your internal operating system so you can perceive different opportunities within that reality. It’s like our "BUTS" are the brain's default screensaver, running on a loop, and we have to consciously install a new, more empowering one. Mark: That's a perfect analogy. It's about taking conscious control of your internal narrative. But he also makes it clear that this internal work is only half the battle. The real power surge happens when you take that new internal script and plug it into the outside world. And that's where the power of human connection comes in. Michelle: And I have a feeling there's an incredible story for that, too. Mark: Oh, this next one sounds like it was ripped from a movie script. It’s a story that proves a simple conversation can literally be the difference between life and death.

Mark: Sean and his family are in Boston. Their flight was canceled, they're exhausted, it's after 10 PM, and they're finally on a shuttle bus from the airport to their hotel. The driver is a man Sean calls "Boston Bill"—balding, a bit overweight, with a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. Michelle: I know that look. The look of someone just trying to get through the day. Mark: Exactly. Sean, being Sean, doesn't just sit silently. He's in his wheelchair, and he rolls up to the front and starts a conversation with Bill. They just chat. They joke around, ask each other about their day, the kind of light, friendly banter you have with a stranger. It's a short ride, maybe 15 minutes. They get to the hotel, thank Bill, and head into the dining room for a late meal. Michelle: A totally normal, forgettable interaction. Happens a million times a day. Mark: You would think. But a few minutes later, as they're eating, Boston Bill walks into the dining room. He comes over to their table, and he's visibly emotional. His eyes are welling up with tears. He looks at Sean and says something that floors the entire family. He tells them that he was having the worst day of his life. His wife had left him, he was in financial ruin, and he had decided that night was his last. His plan was to finish his shift, drive the empty bus to a bridge, and end his life. Michelle: Oh my god. No. Mark: Yes. But then, he says, this little guy in a wheelchair got on his bus. And instead of ignoring him or treating him like part of the furniture, he engaged him. He showed genuine interest. They laughed. And in that short, 15-minute conversation, something shifted in Bill. He said that talking with Sean made him feel seen as a human being again. It gave him a sliver of hope, just enough to reconsider his plan. That conversation saved his life. Michelle: Wow. I... I have goosebumps. That is one of the most powerful stories I've ever heard. It wasn't a deep, therapeutic session. It was just a chat. What was the magic ingredient there? Mark: That’s the question Sean asked himself for years after. And he landed on a crucial distinction. He says, "Communication is merely an exchange of information, but connection is an exchange of our humanity." Michelle: Let me sit with that for a second. "Connection is an exchange of our humanity." So communication is the 'what'—the words, the facts. Connection is the 'how'—the empathy, the presence, the feeling of being truly seen and heard. Communication is a data transfer; connection is establishing a shared network. Mark: That's it exactly. It wasn't what Sean said, but the fact that he was fully present, empathetic, and treated Bill with dignity and warmth. He exchanged humanity. And that's Stephenson's second major point. Overcoming your "BUTS" isn't a solo mission you undertake in a dark room. It's a team sport. You need that external amplification from genuine human connection. It validates your new internal story and gives you strength. Michelle: This also reframes the idea of helping others. You don't need to have all the answers or give some grand, heroic speech. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is just offer someone your undivided, humane attention for a few minutes. You never know what battle they're fighting. Mark: You never know. And it also ties into his other points about physical confidence and gratitude. The way you carry yourself—your posture, your eye contact—that's part of the "exchange of humanity." When you're focused on gratitude, you're more open to connecting with others because you're not trapped in your own head comparing and despairing. It all links together. Michelle: "Compare leads to despair." I remember that quote from the book. It’s so true. The moment you start comparing your life to someone else's highlight reel on social media, you've lost. Mark: He argues it's the fastest way to sabotage your own happiness. Instead, he focuses on gratitude for the present. There's a funny story where he's rolling through a park, feeling sorry for himself because he sees a guy with a Porsche, a beautiful house, a gorgeous girlfriend. He's consumed by envy. Then he stops and realizes he's completely missing the point of being in a beautiful park on a sunny day. He's letting his focus on what he lacks rob him of the joy of what he has. Michelle: It’s a constant battle, isn't it? To keep your focus on your own path. Mark: It is. But it's a battle worth fighting. Because as another one of his mentors told him, "Whatever you focus on, your life will head in that direction."

Michelle: So when you put it all together, it’s a really powerful two-part formula. It’s not just one or the other. First, you have to do the internal work. You have to become an editor of your own mind, catching those self-sabotaging "BUTS" and rewriting them into something that empowers you, like turning "weird" into "memorable." Mark: Right, that's step one. The internal battlefield. Michelle: But that's not enough. You can't just sit and meditate your way to a new life. You have to take that new self out into the world. You have to actively build genuine, human connections—the kind that are an "exchange of humanity," not just information. Because that's where the real magic, the real validation, and even life-saving change happens. Mark: That's the perfect synthesis. The internal shift fuels the external action, and the external connection reinforces the internal shift. It's a virtuous cycle. And Stephenson's challenge to get started is so simple and accessible. He says to just "eavesdrop on yourself." Michelle: Eavesdrop on yourself. I like that. It sounds a little sneaky. Mark: It is! He says for the next 24 hours, just listen to your own internal monologue as if you were a spy. Notice your "BUTS." When do they pop up? What triggers them? You don't have to fix them or fight them yet. The first step is just awareness. Just notice the stories you're telling yourself. Michelle: That’s a fantastic, practical takeaway. A 24-hour self-eavesdropping challenge. It’s not intimidating, and it’s something anyone can do right now. I'm definitely going to try that. Mark: Me too. It’s a powerful first step to getting off your own "but" and standing up for the life you want. Michelle: I love that. And for our listeners, if you take on this challenge, we'd love to hear what you discover. Find us on our socials and share one "BUT" you caught yourself saying. It’s powerful to see we’re all in this together. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.