Narrator: Imagine being handed the keys to a brand-new, priceless Lamborghini. You’ve never driven a car like it, you have no training, and the only advice you get is from friends who are just as clueless. You inevitably get behind the wheel, run red lights, speed over potholes, and ultimately, you wreck it. Now, what if that Lamborghini wasn't a car, but the love of your life? This is the exact scenario that author Derrick Jaxn uses to frame the central crisis in modern relationships. In his book, Don’t Forget Your Crown: Self-love has everything to do with it, Jaxn argues that most people are utterly unprepared for the relationships they desperately want. He posits that the problem isn't a lack of love from others, but a profound lack of self-love, which leaves us unequipped to handle something truly valuable.

Narrator: One of the most pervasive and damaging beliefs in dating is the idea that "a man will act right for the right woman." The book dismantles this myth, arguing that a man's behavior is not a reflection of the woman he is with, but a direct result of his own preparation and self-work. Jaxn uses powerful analogies to make his point. He asks us to consider Beyoncé's legendary Coachella performance. She didn't just show up and hope the "right stage" or the "right audience" would make her great. Her success was the result of years of rigorous training, practice, and dedication. Similarly, an Olympic runner doesn't win a gold medal because they found the "right track"; they win because they have spent their life preparing for that moment.

Jaxn argues that society often trains women for relationships from a young age, teaching them domestic and emotional skills, while men are socialized to pursue other things. This creates an imbalance where men often enter relationships unprepared. Therefore, when a man is disloyal, inconsistent, or immature, it is not because the woman isn't "right enough" to inspire change. It is because he has not done the internal work to become the man he needs to be. To believe a woman’s purpose is to be a "practice facility" to prepare a man for his next relationship is, as Jaxn puts it, as ridiculous as telling a scuba diver who nearly drowned from a defective air tank that the tank's purpose was to make him a better swimmer.

Narrator: The book makes the bold and controversial claim that, outside of the love for a child or for oneself, unconditional love is harmful in romantic relationships. Jaxn argues that this concept, often romanticized in culture, actually enables bad behavior and prevents accountability. It removes the consequences for actions that don't align with words, blurring the line between a partner who is imperfect and one who is simply not worth it.

He shares a deeply personal story from his own past to illustrate this. In his relationship with his now-wife, Da'Naia, his immaturity and lack of self-love led him to be unfaithful. He admits that her unconditional love, her willingness to forgive, didn't stop his behavior; it inadvertently allowed it to continue. It was only after the relationship was destroyed that he understood the damage. Jaxn suggests that love should have conditions—not based on money or superficial things, but on fundamental principles like respect, honesty, and fidelity. He compares these conditions to a fire extinguisher: a safety precaution that you hope you never have to use, but which can minimize the damage and prevent total destruction if things go up in flames.

Narrator: Don’t Forget Your Crown introduces a critical concept called "The Five Phases of No Return," which explains why by the time a man realizes he wants to fix a relationship, the woman is often gone for good. The book explains that men and women experience the breakup process on completely opposite timelines.

A man who is the wrongdoer typically goes through the phases in this order: Comfort (complacency in his bad behavior), Single (enjoying his freedom), Investigative (realizing his loss and checking her social media), Fight (desperately trying to win her back), and finally, Heartbreak (fully processing the pain of his actions).

A woman, however, experiences these phases in reverse. She begins with Heartbreak when the dysfunction starts. She then enters the Fight phase, trying to save the relationship. When that fails, she moves to the Investigative phase, where she often uncovers the full truth of his disrespect. This leads her to the Single phase, where she begins to heal and rebuild her life. Finally, she reaches the Comfort phase, where she is whole, happy, and comfortable on her own. By the time the man reaches his "Fight" phase, she has already passed through hers and is well on her way to healing, with her standards raised. As the book illustrates with the story of an old acquaintance, a man can do all the right work to change himself, but if he waits too long, he'll find the woman he lost has already healed, moved on, and is no longer available for a second chance.

Narrator: The book radically redefines what a "failed relationship" truly is. Society often views a relationship that ends as a failure. Jaxn argues the opposite: the only truly failed relationships are the ones that are broken on the inside but remain intact on the outside. These are the partnerships where individuals are miserable, disrespected, and hopeless, but stay together out of fear, obligation, or a misguided sense of loyalty.

To illustrate this, the book uses an analogy of a person working a dead-end fast-food job. While the job provides a small, steady paycheck, it's unfulfilling and prevents them from pursuing their real passion—a side business that has the potential for massive growth. Leaving the "stable" but limiting job to invest fully in the business isn't a failure; it's a necessary step toward a better future. Similarly, leaving a toxic or stagnant relationship is not a failure. It is a "pit stop" that allows an individual to heal, grow, and apply the lessons learned to find a healthier, more fulfilling partnership. The return on investment from a past relationship isn't its longevity, but the wisdom gained to love the right person correctly.

Narrator: Drawing a powerful analogy from biology, Jaxn explains that every healthy relationship needs a "relationship membrane." Just like a cell membrane, its purpose is to be selectively permeable—to control what comes in and what goes out. Without this protective barrier, a relationship is vulnerable to every outside opinion, rumor, and piece of unsolicited advice, which can cause internal explosions.

This membrane is built on clear, agreed-upon boundaries. For example, the book outlines the rules Jaxn and his wife use: they define what information is private, agree on how to handle outside advice, know when to seek professional counsel, have a plan for addressing rumors, and pray together. This isn't about creating a communication barrier between the couple; it's about protecting their union from external interference. The foundation for this entire structure, however, is self-love. When you love yourself, you establish high standards for how you deserve to be treated. This self-respect becomes the first line of defense, ensuring that the relationship you build is a fortress of mutual respect, not a playground for external drama.

Narrator: Ultimately, Don’t Forget Your Crown delivers a clear and resounding message: the love you receive from others will never be enough to fill a void that can only be filled by self-love. The success of a relationship is not determined by finding the perfect partner, but by first becoming a whole, prepared, and self-respecting individual. The book challenges us to abandon outdated and harmful narratives about love—the idea that men are simple, that unconditional love is the ideal, or that a relationship that ends is a failure.

Its most challenging idea is that we must unlearn much of what we've been taught about relationships to truly succeed in them. The real-world impact of this book is a call to action: stop searching for someone to complete you and start building a kingdom within yourself. It's a reminder that your worth is inherent, and that before you give your heart to anyone else, you must first and foremost remember to wear your own crown.