Olivia: Most parenting books tell you to be patient, gentle, and understanding. What if the best advice actually comes from the most intense, brutal training on the planet: Navy SEAL Hell Week? Jackson: Hold on, Hell Week? You mean the five days of non-stop running, freezing water, and maybe four hours of sleep total? That's your source for parenting tips? I'm pretty sure that's what causes trauma, not what heals it. Olivia: It sounds completely backwards, I know. But that's the wild premise behind the book we're diving into today, Do It on Purpose: How to Get Off Your Ass and Make Things Happen by former Navy SEAL Stephen Drum. Jackson: A SEAL writing a parenting book. That’s a combination I did not see coming. What drives someone from leading missions in the Persian Gulf to writing about raising kids? Olivia: Exactly. Drum's whole point is that the principles that ensure survival and success in high-stakes operations—purpose, teamwork, and mental toughness—are the very things missing in a lot of modern parenting, especially for fathers. He argues that many dads are defaulting to outdated or ineffective styles, and he offers a new playbook. Jackson: A playbook from the SEALs. I'm both terrified and intrigued. Where does he even begin? Olivia: He starts by reframing the entire endeavor. He says parenting isn't a gentle stroll in the park. He calls it 'asymmetrical warfare.'

Jackson: Asymmetrical warfare? Come on, that sounds a little intense for a toddler's tantrum over broccoli. Is he serious? Olivia: He's deadly serious. And he has this fantastic story from his sniper training that makes it all make sense. He talks about a concept called 'chasing the bull.' Jackson: Chasing the bull? What does that mean? Olivia: Picture a sniper trainee trying to hit a target 800 yards away. He takes a shot, and it misses to the right. He assumes his scope is off, so he adjusts it to the left. He takes another shot. Now it misses to the left. He starts getting frustrated, thinking his rifle is broken. He replaces the scope, then the whole gun, but he keeps missing. Jackson: Okay, so what's the real problem? Olivia: The wind. There was a subtle, invisible downrange wind that he never accounted for. He was so focused on the obvious things—the gun, the scope—that he was 'chasing the bull,' trying to fix the wrong problem, while this invisible force was wrecking all his efforts. Jackson: Wow. That is a perfect analogy for parenting. We're all 'chasing the bull' with screen time limits or chore charts, when the real, invisible issue might be a kid's anxiety, a problem at school, or a lack of connection at home. Olivia: Precisely. And that's the 'asymmetrical' part. We're fighting forces we can't always see. Drum says to win, you have to stop reacting to the obvious and start understanding the whole environment. This mindset is forged during SEAL training, or BUD/S, which he breaks down into phases that eerily mirror a child's development. Jackson: You’re kidding. How does that work? Olivia: Well, First Phase of BUD/S is pure physical misery. It's about enduring discomfort. He describes a punishment called the 'sugar cookie,' where you have to get soaking wet in the cold ocean and then roll in the sand until you're completely coated. Then you do your exercises. The sand and salt get into every crevice, chafing and burning. Jackson: That sounds awful. Olivia: It is. But Drum says, isn't that exactly like the first phase of parenting a newborn? The sleep deprivation, the constant demands, the feeling of being physically worn down. It's just about surviving the evolution. You tell yourself, 'If I can just make it through this next feeding, I'll be okay.' Jackson: That's uncomfortably accurate. What's the next phase? Olivia: Second Phase is Combat Diving. This is where the consequences get more serious. He talks about an exercise called 'Pool Comp,' where instructors attack you underwater. They rip your mask off, tie your air hoses in knots. Your instinct is to panic and bolt for the surface, which would get you killed in a real situation. The only way to pass is to stay calm and systematically follow your procedures to fix the problem. Jackson: So that’s like the toddler and early childhood years? When they start testing boundaries and you have to remain calm and follow through on your 'procedures' instead of just reacting emotionally. Olivia: Exactly. And then there's Third Phase: Land Warfare. This is where they handle explosives and live ammunition. The consequences for a mistake are now life and death. He tells a story about a punishment called 'The Slushy.' If a team made a safety violation, the instructors would fill a giant vat with ice and water and make them get in. Jackson: Oh, that's brutal. Olivia: It is, but the point was to give them an immediate, unforgettable experience of cause and consequence. Drum argues this is like parenting teenagers. You can't shield them from everything. Sometimes, you have to let them jump into the 'cold water' of their own choices—like failing a class they didn't study for or losing a job they were lazy at—so they learn the lesson in a way no lecture could ever teach. Jackson: So the 'Slushy' is letting your teen experience the real, cold consequence of a bad choice, instead of bailing them out. That's… harsh, but I get it. It’s about effectiveness, not comfort. Olivia: And that’s the whole blueprint. It’s about building a resilient person who understands how the world actually works, not just how we wish it would.

Jackson: Okay, so you've established this intense framework. But a framework is just a plan. How do you actually execute it day-to-day? It can't all be 'sugar cookies' and 'slushies.' Olivia: You're right. And that brings us to his second core idea. It's not enough to just set the rules; you have to lead the mission. He calls it 'Leading from the Front,' and a key principle here is 'Hesitation Kills.' Jackson: 'Hesitation Kills.' Another terrifying phrase to apply to parenting. I'm picturing a dad screaming at his kid to make a decision about which cereal to eat. Olivia: (laughs) It's not about that. It's about being prepared so you can act decisively and effectively when conflict arises, instead of freezing or escalating. He tells this unbelievable story from hand-to-hand combat training called the 'Box Drill.' Jackson: Let me guess, it involves punching your way out of a box? Olivia: Not quite. The trainee, in this case Drum himself, is put in a large, dark room. There's a small white box taped on the floor. The instructor says, 'That's your safe zone. Your objective is to get to that door on the other side of the room. The drill starts when you see the first threat.' Jackson: And then what happens? Olivia: A bunch of huge 'thugs'—other SEALs role-playing—storm into the room and stand between him and the door. Drum does what you'd expect. He charges them. And gets absolutely destroyed. The instructor sends him back to the white box. 'Reset,' he says. Drum tries again, maybe a different angle. Gets beaten down again. Reset. This goes on and on. Jackson: Okay, I see where this is going. He finally learns some secret pressure-point takedown and clears the room like a Jason Bourne movie, right? Olivia: That's what every fiber of your being tells you should happen! But no. That's the twist. After getting pummeled repeatedly, the instructor gives him a hint. He says, 'Is there a time limit on this drill?' Drum realizes there isn't. So this time, he just stands in the safe zone. And waits. Jackson: He just waits? Olivia: He waits. The thugs get bored. They're not getting a fight. One by one, they start to leave the room. When the last one is gone, Drum calmly walks across the empty room to the door. He passes the drill. Jackson: Wow. I did not see that coming. The best way to win the fight was to... not fight. Olivia: Exactly. The instructor tells him, 'Any fight can lead to death. Whenever you're in a safe place, you stay there.' The lesson wasn't about being the toughest fighter; it was about being the smartest strategist. Jackson: That completely flips the script. So 'Hesitation Kills' isn't about being aggressive. It's about having a pre-planned response—what he calls an Immediate Action Drill, or IAD—so you don't freeze. And sometimes that plan is strategic patience. Olivia: Yes! It’s about teaching your kids to Identify a threat, Avoid it if possible, Deter it, Seek help, and only as a final resort, Defend. It's about giving them the tools to not be a victim, which is the ultimate form of 'winning.' He redefines winning not as beating someone else, but as personal growth, gaining skills, and becoming more resilient. Jackson: Which is a game you can always win, even if you lose the specific match. Olivia: That's the core of it. True winning is a process, not an event.

Jackson: So this whole book, it's not really about turning your home into a boot camp or your kids into little soldiers. Olivia: Not at all. It's about reclaiming a sense of purpose and agency in one of the most important jobs in the world. Drum argues that modern culture often encourages a passive, reactive style of parenting. His model is about being intentional—defining your 'end state' for your kids, just like a mission objective, and then leading them there with purpose. Jackson: And it feels more urgent now than ever. He mentions that statistic that by the time the average young person is thirty-five, they've had seven different careers. He connects that directly to a lack of resilience, of not learning how to push through difficulty when things get hard. Olivia: Exactly. We're raising them in a world that demands adaptability, but we're not always giving them the tools to handle adversity. So maybe the one thing to take away from this is to ask: what's one 'Immediate Action Drill' you could create for your family? Jackson: That’s a great, practical question. Not for a firefight, but for a common point of conflict. Like the recurring battle over homework, or the nightly argument about screen time. What's the plan? What's the procedure? Olivia: Having that plan ready means you can act decisively and calmly, instead of just reacting with frustration. It’s a small step, but it’s a very SEAL way of thinking. Jackson: It's a fascinating and provocative approach. I can see how some might find it too extreme, but the underlying logic is hard to argue with. We'd love to hear what you all think. Does this SEAL approach to parenting resonate with you? Let us know on our socials. Olivia: This is Aibrary, signing off.