Mark: Okay, Michelle, you've read the book. If you had to review it in exactly five words, what would they be? Michelle: Oh, that's easy. "Stop chasing love, become love." How about you? Mark: I'd go with: "Your love life is a fixer-upper." Michelle: I love that! It's so true to the spirit of the book. It’s not about finding a perfect, finished product, but about the beauty of the renovation process. Mark: Exactly. And that’s why today we’re diving into what feels like a modern classic on self-love, Diamonds for Paperweights: A Love Story by Humble The Poet. This book has been widely acclaimed and really resonates with readers looking for a more authentic take on relationships. Michelle: And what’s so compelling about him is his background. He’s not some academic in an ivory tower; he’s Kanwer Singh, a former elementary school teacher, a rapper, and a spoken-word artist from Toronto. You can feel that raw, storyteller energy in every chapter, which makes his insights feel earned, not just researched. Mark: Absolutely. And he starts this book not with a theory, but with one of the most gut-wrenching personal stories I've ever read about a breakup. It’s a bold move that sets the tone for everything that follows.

Michelle: Wow, you are not kidding. Most books on love start with how to get it, not how to deal with the agony of losing it. He throws you right into the deep end of the pool. Mark: He really does. He describes sitting with his fiancée, a woman he clearly loves and who is incredibly selfless, and he has to tell her it's over. He's been wrestling with this for weeks, knowing he needs to work on himself, that he's not ready to be the partner she deserves. Michelle: The detail that got me was the puppy. There's this little puppy in the room, a symbol of the family they were building, and it’s just innocently playing while their world is falling apart. It’s such a powerful, heartbreaking image. Mark: And his fiancée’s reaction is just devastatingly kind. He’s struggling, trying to find the right words, and she’s the one making it easier for him. She tells him, "I just don’t want to break up our family," and he knows he's the one causing this immense pain. He even asks her if a small part of her is relieved, hoping to lessen his own guilt. Michelle: And what does she say? Mark: "Zero percent of me is relieved." Just a gut punch of honesty. He realizes in that moment that he’s treating this incredible love, this diamond, like a common paperweight. He’s undervaluing it because he doesn't feel valuable himself. Michelle: That’s a feeling I think so many people can relate to. The idea that you can't accept a love that you don't feel you deserve. So his whole journey in this book starts from this place of feeling unworthy? Mark: Precisely. It’s not just about the breakup. He later shares a story about his father. Years ago, he had a huge fight with his dad and ran away from home. He was stubborn, his dad was proud. It was a mess. For a long time, he felt his father didn't show love in the way he wanted. Michelle: The classic story of misaligned expectations. Mark: Exactly. But years later, his sister reveals something incredible. The day he left, his father secretly gave her a blank check and told her, "if you called to give you anything you needed." His father couldn't say "I love you" or "I'm sorry," but he acted on it. The author's realization is profound: "Love wasn’t spoken, it was only acted on." This book is his attempt to understand that. He says, "I didn’t start writing this book because I’m an expert on love—far from it. I’m writing this because I’m desperate." Michelle: Wow. So the book isn't a "how-to" guide from an expert. It's a field report from someone in the trenches, trying to figure it out for himself. That makes it so much more powerful. Mark: It’s a journey, not a lecture. And that journey forces him, and us, to completely redefine what we even mean when we say the word "love."

Michelle: That feeling of unworthiness seems to be the real starting point. And it leads right into this idea he introduces, which I found so useful: the difference between 'Big L Love' and 'Small L Love'. Mark: Yes, this is a fantastic framework he borrows from Aubrey Marcus. He argues that we spend most of our lives chasing 'Small L love'. This is the quick hit of validation, the pleasure-seeking love. It’s the likes on social media, the award, the compliment from a stranger. It’s the feeling of being wanted. Michelle: So Small L love is like emotional junk food. It gives you a quick sugar rush, but it's not nutritious and it leaves you feeling empty and wanting more. Mark: That's a perfect analogy. He says, "Small L love gives us pleasure, Big L love gives us peace." It's addictive. We think one more hit, one more win, will finally make us feel satisfied, but it never does. Michelle: Okay, so what's the alternative? What is 'Big L Love'? Mark: Big L Love is the profound, unconditional, life-altering stuff. It’s not something you earn or achieve; it’s something you realize is already there. He gives these beautiful, simple examples. The feeling you get when your grandmother gently touches your face. Or the overwhelming gratitude you feel holding your newborn niece, where you just look at her and feel connected to the entire universe. Michelle: You don't "do" anything to earn that. It's just there. Mark: Exactly. You don't earn it. You just open yourself up to it. And this is where the ego comes in. The ego is the part of us that thrives on Small L love. It's the part that says, "I need to be perfect to be loved." It's the part that's constantly comparing and competing. Michelle: He has that great line, "Perfect is the enemy of love." We think we need to be flawless, but he points out that everyone we love is imperfect. He even uses the example of Beyoncé. There are entire compilations online of her falling on stage. Mark: Right! And do people love her any less? No, they love her more for her resilience. Real love, he says, isn't about honoring what's perfect; it's about embracing what's imperfect. The ego wants perfection. Love wants connection. They can't hold hands. Michelle: But isn't it human to want that junk food sometimes? To want the validation, the 'Small L' hit? How do you just stop chasing it? It feels like our entire society is built around that chase. Mark: That's the million-dollar question, and his answer is surprisingly practical. It’s not about stopping the chase. It’s about starting to build something better. It’s about turning love from a noun—a thing you get—into a verb, an action you do.

Michelle: I like that. Shifting from a passive desire to an active practice. So what does that look like? What's in this practical toolkit? Mark: It's all about conscious choices and actions that build self-respect, which he argues is far more important than self-esteem. One of the most powerful ideas is "Love Is Showing Your Teeth." Michelle: Hold on, what does he mean by 'showing your teeth'? Is he telling us to be aggressive? Mark: Not at all. It's a metaphor for setting boundaries. It's about letting the world know you have lines that can't be crossed. He tells a story about being a student teacher and sitting in the vice principal's office. The VP goes on this prejudiced rant, and the author, wanting to be liked and get a job, just nods and smiles. He leaves feeling like a fraud, filled with resentment. Michelle: Oh, I’ve been there. Smiling through something that makes your skin crawl because you don't want to rock the boat. Mark: Exactly. "Showing your teeth" is the act of self-love that says, "My integrity is more important than your approval." It's also about saying "no." He argues that every time you say "yes" to someone else, you're saying "no" to yourself—to your time, your energy, your own needs. Saying "no" is an act of self-compassion. Michelle: That connects to another story in the book that really stuck with me. The one about Marquice, the retired NFL player at the ice retreat. Mark: Oh, that story is incredible. Tell it. Michelle: They're at this retreat, and the instructor wants everyone to get into these giant pools of ice water. Everyone is feeling the peer pressure, but Marquice, this huge, tough-looking guy, just calmly says, "Oh I can join, I just don’t want to." Mark: So simple, but so powerful. Michelle: Right? Someone tries to encourage him, and he just explains that he's done plenty of hard things in his life and doesn't need to prove anything to anyone. He's not arrogant, just completely secure. But then, later, he sees another participant hesitating, looking scared. And Marquice, without a word, gets into the ice bath with him, just to offer support. Mark: Wow. He didn't do it for himself or for show. He did it as an act of service. Michelle: Exactly. That's real confidence. It isn't loud; it's the quiet ability to say 'I don't need to prove anything.' And that, to me, feels like the ultimate expression of self-love as an action. It's not about a feeling; it's about the choices you make. Mark: And that's the fuel. He has this other beautiful story about a couple, Kyle and Stu. After they get married, Stu starts proposing to Kyle every single morning on their walk. A small, daily, consistent action. He says, "Pathways to love are paved with the things we do every day." Love is the fuel that keeps you working at it. Michelle: That's so beautiful. So for someone listening, what's one small 'action' they could take today to practice this kind of self-love? Mark: I think it comes down to keeping a commitment to yourself. He says we often break promises to ourselves—to go to the gym, to eat better, to go to bed on time. He suggests starting small. Make one tiny promise to yourself today and keep it. That single action builds self-trust and self-respect. That's the first step on the path.

Michelle: It’s amazing how it all connects. The journey starts with confronting your own pain, which then forces you to unlearn all the toxic ideas you have about love, and finally, you're left with this simple, powerful truth: love is something you do, not something you find. Mark: Exactly. So we start with pain, we redefine our understanding of love, and then we build it through daily actions. The book's real genius is showing that self-love isn't a destination you arrive at. It’s the work you do every day to clear the path. It's not about finally feeling "worthy." It's about the daily actions of forgiveness, of setting boundaries, of keeping promises to yourself, that make you feel worthy. Michelle: The love isn't the reward for doing the work. The work is the love. Mark: That's it. He says, "Loving myself isn’t always the reward for doing the work, it’s getting my ass up early enough to do that work, even when I’m not in the mood." It’s a constant practice. Michelle: It really makes you ask yourself: what's one outdated belief about love that you're still carrying around like a paperweight? That one thing you think you need to have or be, that's actually just weighing you down. Mark: That's a powerful question. And we'd love to hear your thoughts on this. The ideas in this book are so personal and universal at the same time. Join the conversation and let us know what resonated with you. What's the diamond you've been treating like a paperweight? Michelle: A perfect way to end it. This has been a fantastic discussion. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.