Narrator: What if the relationship blueprint handed down for generations is fundamentally flawed? Consider the numbers. In 1960, nearly three-quarters of American adults were married. By 2011, that figure had dropped to just over half. During that same period, the number of unmarried couples living together skyrocketed from half a million to 7.5 million. With roughly half of all first marriages ending in divorce and an estimated 15 to 20 percent of marriages being functionally "sexless," it's clear that the traditional, one-size-fits-all model of lifelong monogamy is failing a significant number of people. It raises a critical question: are people failing at relationships, or is the model itself failing people?

In their book, Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships, authors Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson argue for the latter. They propose that the problem isn't a lack of love or commitment, but a lack of imagination and intention. The book offers a radical yet practical alternative: instead of following a pre-written script, we can become the architects of our own relational lives, designing partnerships that are built to last because they are built to fit.

Narrator: The central premise of the book is a shift from passive acceptance to active creation. For too long, relationships have been treated like off-the-rack clothing; we're expected to find one that fits, and if it doesn't, the problem is assumed to be with our bodies, not the garment. Michaels and Johnson reject this. They introduce the concept of a "designer relationship," which is a partnership consciously crafted by the people in it to meet their specific needs, desires, and values.

This approach moves beyond the rigid binary of monogamy versus non-monogamy. It acknowledges that relationships are living, breathing entities that must be allowed to evolve. The authors emphasize that this is not a free-for-all but a process rooted in deep communication, mutual agreement, and a willingness to adapt. As they state directly, "You are the designer, along with your partner or partners, and it’s up to you to create a relationship that works and to redesign it when and if appropriate." This places the power and responsibility squarely in the hands of the individuals involved, empowering them to build something that is authentic and sustainable, rather than simply conforming to an external ideal that may not serve them.

Narrator: While often held up as the gold standard, the very concept of monogamy is surprisingly vague. As the authors point out, "Despite widespread endorsement of monogamy as the ideal type of romantic relationship, the construct of monogamy lacks a consistent definition." Is it about sexual exclusivity? Emotional exclusivity? Social exclusivity, where you only appear as a couple in public? Or is it a practical arrangement for sharing finances and a home?

Because these questions are rarely asked, many couples enter into a vaguely defined "monogamous" agreement without ever discussing what it actually means to them. This ambiguity is a breeding ground for misunderstanding, dissatisfaction, and betrayal. The book highlights that infidelity rates, which some studies place as high as 25 to 50 percent, are not necessarily a sign that people are inherently deceitful, but that the assumed model of absolute, lifelong sexual and emotional fidelity to one person is an unrealistic and often unspoken expectation. By breaking monogamy down into its component parts—sexual, emotional, social, and practical—the book encourages individuals to have explicit conversations and make informed choices about what kind of exclusivity, if any, truly works for them.

Narrator: The societal preference for monogamy is so ingrained that it creates a powerful force the authors call "mononormativity." This is the pervasive, often invisible assumption that monogamy is the only normal, healthy, and moral way to conduct a relationship. This belief system is propped up by myths: the idea that everyone has a single "soulmate," that jealousy is a sign of true love, and that desiring anyone other than your partner is a sign of a failing relationship. These myths create stigma and prevent people from exploring alternatives that might bring them greater fulfillment.

The story of Kenneth Haslam provides a powerful illustration of breaking free from these constraints. Born in the 1930s, Haslam was raised in an era where the only acceptable path was to marry a virgin and live a suburban, monogamous life. After two failed marriages and several unfulfilling long-term relationships, he felt like a "failed serial monogamist." The prescribed model simply did not fit him.

His transformation began in the mid-1990s when he bought a modem and discovered the burgeoning polyamory community online. For the first time, he found a language and a framework for the way he felt. He learned about a world where having loving, sexual relationships with multiple people was possible, guided not by assumption and restriction, but by honesty and open communication. This discovery was so profound that Haslam became a polyamory activist, sharing his story and even helping to establish a historical collection on the topic at the Kinsey Institute. His journey shows how challenging mononormative myths can lead not to chaos, but to a life of greater authenticity, community, and peace.

Narrator: Designer Relationships makes it clear that choosing a different structure is not a shortcut around the hard work of being in a relationship. In fact, it often requires a higher level of skill. The authors dedicate significant attention to the universal tools that are essential for the health of any partnership, whether it's monogamous, polyamorous, or anything in between.

These foundational skills include profound self-knowledge, especially around one's own sexuality and relational needs. They also include a deep and abiding interest in one's partner or partners, taking genuine pleasure in their happiness and well-being. The book stresses the importance of empathy, kindness, and the ability to connect emotionally before trying to solve problems logically. Building and maintaining trust is presented as a continuous practice, not a one-time achievement. By focusing on these core competencies, the authors show that the success of a relationship depends less on its label and more on the emotional and communicative skills of the people within it.

Narrator: Designing a relationship does not mean abandoning rules; it means creating your own. The book places a heavy emphasis on the ethical considerations that are paramount to making any relationship structure work. This is not about a rigid, externally imposed morality, but about a deep sense of responsibility to oneself and to others.

This ethical framework requires radical honesty and transparency. It demands that all parties make informed decisions, especially regarding safer sex practices, where clear communication and agreements are non-negotiable. Respecting boundaries—both your own and those of your partners—is a cornerstone of this approach. The goal is to create a relational environment where everyone feels safe, seen, and valued. In a designer relationship, ethics are not an afterthought; they are the very foundation upon which trust is built. Without this commitment to mutual care and respect, any relationship, regardless of its structure, is destined to fail.

Narrator: The single most powerful takeaway from Designer Relationships is the principle of conscious choice. Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson deliver a compelling argument that we are not bound by tradition or societal expectation. We have both the right and the capacity to be the active designers of our intimate lives. The book's ultimate message is one of empowerment, shifting the focus from finding the "right" person to building the "right" relationship through deliberate communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to adapt.

It leaves the reader with a profound challenge. It is far easier to follow a default script than it is to write your own. To truly design a relationship requires courage, vulnerability, and a rigorous commitment to self-awareness. The book forces us to ask uncomfortable but necessary questions: What assumptions do we hold about love, sex, and commitment? And are those assumptions truly serving us and the people we love? In a world of infinite possibilities, the book suggests that the most loving act of all may be to have the courage to create a relationship that is as unique as the people in it, affirming the idea that, as the musician Lou Reed once said, "No kinds of love are better than others."