Laura: Alright, pop quiz. What's the most common dating advice you've ever heard? Sophia: Oh, easy. "Play hard to get." Be mysterious. Don't text back too fast. The whole nine yards. Laura: Exactly. Well, what if I told you that single piece of advice is practically designed to attract people who are terrified of intimacy? And that being less mysterious is the real secret. Sophia: Okay, you have my attention. That goes against everything I learned from teen magazines in the 2000s. Laura: It goes against almost all modern dating advice! And that's the entire premise of the book we're diving into today: Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy by Ken Page. Sophia: And Ken Page isn't just some blogger. He's a psychotherapist who developed these ideas from running workshops in New York for years, helping people escape that exact 'game-playing' culture. This book was born from real-world frustration. Laura: Exactly. He saw countless clients treating their search for love like a marketing campaign, and he offers a completely different path. Let's start with the map he says we're all using wrong, the one that tells us to hide our true selves.

Laura: Page starts with a pretty bold claim. He says that most dating advice—lose weight, act more confident, be wittier—isn't actually self-improvement. He has this killer line: "That's not self-improvement. That's self-punishment in camouflage." Sophia: Oof. "Self-punishment in camouflage." That hits hard. But hold on, some of that advice feels practical. If you're not feeling confident, shouldn't you 'fake it 'til you make it'? Isn't that what you're supposed to do on a first date? Laura: That’s the conventional wisdom, but Page argues it’s a trap. He shares his own story of what he calls 'chronic singlehood' for decades. He was a psychotherapist, he knew the theories, but he kept trying to make himself more 'marketable.' He followed all the rules, tried to be the person he thought others wanted, and all it led to was a string of short, unfulfilling relationships and a deep fear that he was just missing the 'relationship gene.' Sophia: Been there. It’s exhausting trying to be the 'cool girl' or the 'unflappable guy' when inside you're just a bundle of nerves hoping they like you. You feel like you're constantly auditioning. Laura: And you're auditioning for the wrong part! Here's the fascinating thing he brings up, backed by research from evolutionary psychologist David Buss. Buss did this massive study across cultures, ages, and genders to find out what people value most in a mate. And the top two qualities weren't a perfect body or a razor-sharp wit. Sophia: Let me guess. A good sense of humor and a love for dogs? Laura: Close, but even more fundamental. The top two were kindness and understanding. Consistently. Another researcher, Arthur Aron, found that kindness is the single strongest predictor of long-term relationship success. Sophia: Wow. So we're all out here trying to be a shiny, impressive object when what people are actually looking for is a warm blanket. We're optimizing for the wrong thing entirely. Laura: Precisely. We're hiding the very qualities that create lasting love. And that brings us to the absolute core of his philosophy, the things he says we should be leading with instead: our 'Core Gifts.'

Laura: So, 'Core Gifts' is Page's term for the deepest, most sensitive parts of ourselves. They're not talents, like being good at painting. They're the very essence of our character—the places where we feel the most intense joy, and also the most profound pain. Sophia: That's a beautiful idea, but it also sounds a bit abstract. How does this actually apply to the messy world of dating? My 'gift' for intense passion, for example, has mostly just gotten me into trouble. It feels more like a liability. Laura: That's the paradox! Page argues our greatest gifts often feel like curses until we learn to understand them. He tells this incredible story about a client, Michael. Michael came to therapy because he had serious anger issues that were sabotaging his relationships. He was terrified of his own rage. Sophia: I can see how that would be a problem. 'Anger' doesn't exactly scream 'Core Gift.' Laura: Right. But in therapy, Michael told a story. Years ago, in a third-world country, he befriended a little girl who sold postcards. A corrupt policeman would shake her down for her money every day. One day, the girl fought back, and the policeman started beating her. Michael, without thinking, threw himself on the cop, screaming for the girl to run. He realized his rage was almost always triggered by seeing unfairness, especially towards the vulnerable. His 'curse' of rage was actually the shadow side of a profound gift: fierce protectiveness. Sophia: Whoa. Okay, that reframes everything. So the negative expression of the trait was the clue to the positive gift underneath. Laura: Exactly. And once you understand your gifts, you can start to see how they shape your attractions. Page says we're all wired for two fundamental types of attraction. The first is the 'Attraction of Deprivation.' Sophia: Ah, the 'Attraction of Deprivation.' I know her well. That's the addiction to the person who's emotionally unavailable, who leaves you on 'read' for three days, who gives you just enough hope to keep you hooked. It's a rollercoaster. Laura: It's a rollercoaster, and it's a perfect-fit key for the lock of our deepest insecurities. If you have a core gift of generosity that's been taken for granted, you might be drawn to someone selfish who makes you feel needed but never cherished. Sophia: And it feels so much more exciting than the alternative, which I'm guessing is the 'Attraction of Inspiration.' That just sounds... nice. Maybe even a little boring? Laura: It can feel that way at first, because it's calm instead of chaotic. An attraction of inspiration is a connection with someone whose presence makes you feel safe, seen, and more yourself. It feels like coming home. And he tells this wonderful story about a couple, Mark and Sarah, that proves the slow burn is real. Laura: Mark was a physical therapist who was used to dating 'model types.' Sarah was his patient, recovering from a painful marriage. There was zero initial spark. But they became best friends. Over time, something shifted, and they realized they had feelings for each other. But Mark freaked out. She wasn't his 'type.' He broke it off. Sophia: Oh, no. The classic 'not my type' panic. Laura: Total panic. But after three months apart, he had this moment of clarity. He realized that his focus on superficial looks was keeping him from the one person who made him feel like the best version of himself. He proposed, and after making him sweat a little, she said yes. They've been married for over twenty years. Their love didn't start with fireworks; it started with the warm, steady glow of inspiration. Sophia: So the real work is learning to find the fireworks in the warmth, not just chasing the explosion and getting burned. Laura: You've got it. And that's where the practical skills come in. Because once you know your gifts and can spot the right kind of attraction, you have to figure out how to actually do it. How do you navigate a real, healthy connection, especially when it gets scary?

Laura: One of the biggest hurdles in a new, healthy relationship is what Page calls 'The Wave of Distancing.' It's that sudden, inexplicable feeling of repulsion or doubt that washes over you when things are going well with a good person. Sophia: The Wave! I know this feeling intimately. It's when you're dating someone kind and available, and suddenly you get the 'ick' because of the way they chew their food, and you want to run for the hills. Laura: Precisely. Page says it's a flight from intimacy. Our brains, conditioned by past hurts or chaotic relationships, panic at the feeling of safety and try to sabotage it. But he offers a really practical tool for this, which he illustrates with the story of Lisa and Jim. Laura: They'd had a wonderful date. They're in bed, and Lisa is feeling warm and connected. But Jim starts fiddling with the TV remote, trying to get a movie to work. He's completely absorbed in it. Lisa starts to feel ignored, then needy, then annoyed. She's sliding from her 'Gift Zone' of connection into her 'Zone of Protection.' Sophia: I can feel the tension. The old script would be to either start a passive-aggressive fight—"I guess the remote is more interesting than me!"—or to just shut down and turn over. Laura: Exactly. But Lisa has been practicing Deeper Dating. She does what Page calls an 'Intimacy Fix' micro-meditation. She stops, takes a breath, and asks herself: 'What am I feeling, and what do I need?' She realizes she feels disconnected and just needs a moment of reassurance. So, even though it feels incredibly vulnerable, she says, "Honey, I know you're trying to fix that, but I'm feeling a little left out. Could you just hold me for a minute?" Sophia: That takes so much courage. What did he do? Laura: He immediately put the remote down, turned to her, and said, "Of course." He held her, and the connection was instantly restored. In that moment, she didn't just avoid a fight; she deepened their intimacy. She honored her gift of emotional sensitivity instead of treating it like a problem. Sophia: That's so powerful. Instead of letting her fear of being 'needy' create distance, she used her vulnerability to create closeness. It sounds so simple, but it feels revolutionary. Laura: It is! And it's a skill. It's about bravery, not perfection. It's about choosing to lead with your authentic self, even, as the activist Maggie Kuhn said, 'if your voice shakes.'

Sophia: So, if I'm hearing this right, the whole journey of 'Deeper Dating' isn't about becoming a different, 'better' person to be loved. It's about having the courage to be the person you already are. Laura: Exactly. It's about reclaiming the parts of yourself you were taught to hide. Page shares this beautiful story from his research about an East African tribe. When a woman decides to have a child, she goes out into the wilderness alone and listens until she can hear the child's 'spirit song.' Sophia: The child's song? Before it's even conceived? Laura: Yes. She learns the song, then teaches it to the father. When the child is born, the entire village gathers and sings the song to welcome them. They sing it at every major milestone. And most importantly, if the child ever loses their way, commits a crime, or feels lost, the village gathers in a circle around them and sings their song back to them. Sophia: Wow. To remind them of who they truly are. Laura: To remind them of their essence. And Page's argument is that Deeper Dating is the process of learning your own song. And then learning to recognize the people who, when you stumble, will sing it back to you. Sophia: That gives me chills. So this book is basically teaching us how to find our own song, and then find the people who will be our choir. Laura: That's the perfect way to put it. It's a profound shift from seeking validation—'Am I good enough?'—to seeking recognition—'Do you see me?' Sophia: We'd love to hear from our listeners. What's a 'Core Gift' you've been taught to see as a flaw? Maybe it's a deep sensitivity, a fierce passion, or a quiet nature. Share your stories with us on our social channels. Laura: This is Aibrary, signing off.