Narrator: Imagine spending years, even decades, navigating the dating world, feeling like a sneaker endlessly tumbling in a dryer—a cycle of high hopes followed by the inevitable thud of disappointment. You follow all the advice: act confident, play it cool, improve yourself. Yet, you keep finding yourself drawn to people who are unavailable or unkind, while feeling completely uninterested in those who are genuinely good to you. This frustrating pattern leaves you feeling flawed, as if you're missing the "relationship gene." This is the exact struggle that psychotherapist Ken Page saw in his clients and experienced himself. In his book, Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy, he argues that this experience isn't a personal failure. Instead, it's the result of following a flawed map to love—one that tells us to hide our true selves. The book offers a new map, one that guides us not toward self-punishment disguised as self-improvement, but toward the profound power of our own authenticity.

Narrator: The central premise of Deeper Dating is a radical reframing of what makes a person attractive. Conventional dating advice often focuses on fixing perceived flaws—lose weight, be more confident, learn witty banter. Page argues this is a form of "self-punishment in camouflage" that never leads to healthy love. The real path to intimacy, he suggests, lies in discovering and leading with what he calls our "Core Gifts."

Core Gifts are the deepest, most sensitive parts of our nature. They are the places where we feel the most, both in joy and in pain. Paradoxically, these gifts are often the very things we feel most insecure about and try to hide. They are the qualities that may have been misunderstood or even wounded in our past.

Page illustrates this through the story of his client, Susan. Susan was a kind, generous, and deeply caring person, but she repeatedly found herself in relationships with men who took her for granted. She felt her softheartedness was a curse that led to constant pain. Through their work, Susan began to see that her immense capacity for generosity and tenderness wasn't a flaw; it was her Core Gift. The pain she felt wasn't because she was "too much," but because she was offering this profound gift to people who couldn't honor it. Once she reframed this quality as a gift to be treasured and protected, her entire dating life transformed. She developed a "fierce protective wisdom" and began seeking partners who were inspired by her kindness, not those who would exploit it. This shift reveals the book's first major lesson: the parts of ourselves we fear are weaknesses are, in fact, the very source of our power to connect.

Narrator: According to Page, not all attractions are created equal. He posits that we are all wired with two different circuits of attraction. Understanding the difference is the most critical skill in the search for love.

The first type is "attractions of deprivation." These are often intense, thrilling, and full of drama. They are attractions to people who are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or critical—people who don't fully see or cherish our Core Gifts. These relationships feel like a project, a challenge to win someone's love. While exciting, they are a flight from real intimacy and almost always lead to pain, because they replay our deepest wounds about not being good enough.

The second, and far healthier, type is "attractions of inspiration." These are attractions to people whose goodness, kindness, and integrity inspire us. With these individuals, we feel safe, seen, and respected. The connection feels calm and easy. Our authentic self, including our Core Gifts, can emerge without fear. Page notes that these attractions might not start with a lightning bolt of chemistry; they often begin as a warm, gentle glow that deepens over time.

He tells the story of Sandy, a restaurant owner who was tired of dating unavailable "bad boys." After an epiphany in therapy, she made a conscious decision to only pursue attractions of inspiration. She started noticing Ed, a kind, divorced father who was a regular at her restaurant. He wasn't her usual "type," but his decency and honesty inspired her. By choosing to cultivate this connection, she found a deep, stable love that she had never experienced before. The lesson is clear: we must learn to lose our taste for the high-stakes drama of deprivation and instead cultivate an appetite for the quiet, profound joy of inspiration.

Narrator: A common self-help platitude is, "You must love yourself before you can love anyone else." Page argues that this is not only unhelpful but often backward. He suggests that for most of us, self-love is learned through the experience of being loved by others, especially in the places where we feel most vulnerable.

To illustrate this, he shares the powerful story of a tradition in an East African tribe. When a woman decides to have a child, she goes out and listens until she can hear the child's unique "spirit song." She teaches this song to the child's father and the rest of the village. When the child is born, the community gathers and sings their song to them. They sing it at every major milestone and, most importantly, if the child makes a mistake or is in crisis, the villagers gather and sing the song to remind them of their true, good essence.

This story serves as a beautiful metaphor for how we learn to love ourselves. We need a "tribe"—be it friends, family, or a partner—to reflect our worth back to us. We need others to see our Core Gifts and remind us of our "song" when we forget it. It is through the safety of these loving relationships that we find the courage to embrace the parts of ourselves we were taught to hide, and in doing so, our capacity for self-love grows. The search for love, then, is not a prerequisite for connection but is deeply intertwined with it.

Narrator: Have you ever been dating someone wonderful, available, and kind, and just as things start to get serious, you feel a sudden, inexplicable urge to flee? Page identifies this phenomenon as "The Wave"—a powerful, fear-based impulse to push away healthy intimacy.

The Wave is a saboteur of new love. It manifests as a sudden loss of attraction, a fixation on a partner's flaws, or an overwhelming feeling of being trapped. Page explains that the more a new partner cherishes our Core Gifts, the more vulnerable we feel, and the more likely The Wave is to strike. It is our psyche's misguided attempt to protect us from the perceived danger of real intimacy, a danger learned from past hurts.

The key to handling The Wave is not to act on it. Instead of breaking things off, Page advises us to simply notice it, give it space, and wait for it to pass, allowing the feelings of affection to return. He shares the story of Joe Lucca, a man paralyzed in an accident who was terrified of intimacy. He met Lil, a kind nurse, and despite his deep fear, he allowed their connection to grow. Their love and respect for each other became bigger than his fear. Their story demonstrates the book's ultimate antidote to the fear of intimacy: intimacy itself. By staying present with a safe and loving partner, even when we are afraid, we heal the very wounds that cause the fear.

Narrator: Ultimately, Deeper Dating delivers a single, transformative message: the path to finding lasting love is not about becoming someone else, but about having the courage to be who you already are. The entire journey Ken Page outlines—from identifying Core Gifts to navigating attractions and taming our fears—is a process of reclaiming our own authenticity. It’s about unlearning the damaging idea that our sensitivities are liabilities and embracing them as the very source of our capacity for deep connection.

The book challenges us to stop asking, "How can I make myself more attractive to others?" and to start asking a much more profound question: "What are my most authentic gifts, and how can I find the courage to lead with them?" In answering that question, we don't just find a partner; we find ourselves.