Narrator: For years, author Natasha Lunn was consumed by a feeling of longing. It was a restless, pervasive ache for a text message, a declaration of love, a commitment that would finally make her feel whole. This search for romantic love defined her twenties, shaping her view of the world and herself. She would find herself in a cafe, observing a man reading a book, and in an instant, construct an entire future with him, only to have the fantasy shattered when his girlfriend arrived. This cycle of hope and disappointment left her feeling that her real life was always on hold, waiting for a love that would give it meaning. But what if this entire approach was wrong? What if the relentless search for a perfect, all-consuming romantic love was the very thing preventing a truly loving life?

In her book, Conversations on Love, Natasha Lunn embarks on a journey to dismantle these myths. Drawing from personal experience and in-depth interviews with philosophers, therapists, and writers, she explores what it truly means to find, sustain, and survive the loss of love, revealing that its reality is far more complex, challenging, and ultimately more rewarding than any fantasy.

Narrator: The search for love is often sabotaged by the very stories we tell ourselves about it. Lunn reveals her own pattern, which began with a teenage infatuation with a boy named Ben. This crush, built more on imagination and longing than reality, created a template for love that was intense, unstable, and ultimately unattainable. This pattern continued into her twenties, where she found herself repeatedly idealizing partners and hiding parts of her own personality to seem more palatable. She would suppress her own needs and desires, mistaking the anxiety of an unstable connection for the thrill of attraction. The result was a series of relationships that lacked genuine intimacy, leaving her feeling unseen and lonelier than when she was alone.

The book argues that the antidote to this is not the popular notion of "learning to love yourself first," but rather developing self-understanding. Philosopher Alain de Botton explains that what makes someone truly attractive is not a projection of perfection, but the capacity to understand and communicate their own flaws and vulnerabilities. True connection isn't built on a flawless facade; it's built on the honest admission of our shared human imperfection. This requires expanding our definition of love beyond a single romantic partner. Author Ayisha Malik shares how finding fulfillment in friendships, faith, and work freed her from the immense pressure placed on one "great love" to be the sole source of meaning in her life.

Narrator: The intoxicating "honeymoon phase" of a relationship is, by its nature, temporary. Lunn argues that real, lasting love begins when this phase ends and the hard work begins. She illustrates this with a deeply personal story. Four years after a magical first kiss, she and her husband, Dan, were forced to cancel their honeymoon to Mauritius after she suffered a miscarriage. The silent, grief-filled taxi ride home from the hospital was a world away from their joyful beginnings. The months that followed were filled with heartbreak and frustration as they struggled to conceive again.

This experience taught them a crucial lesson: love is not about avoiding pain, but about navigating it together. Sustaining love is a daily decision to build something meaningful, especially when faced with life’s challenges. It requires what Lunn calls the work of "re-seeing" your partner—continuously making an effort to understand them as they change and evolve. As relationship expert Esther Perel notes, the security of a long-term relationship can also be its enemy, as it can lead to indifference. The opposite of love isn't hate; it's the failure to pay attention. Research from the Gottman Institute supports this, showing that communication patterns like criticism and contempt are far more predictive of divorce than conflict itself. Lasting love is an active verb, a commitment to showing up, paying attention, and choosing your partner again and again.

Narrator: Society tends to place romantic love on a pedestal, viewing it as the ultimate relationship. Conversations on Love challenges this hierarchy, arguing that other forms of love, particularly friendship, are just as vital for a fulfilling life. Lunn describes her friendship with a woman named Marisa, who helped her see herself clearly and value her own worth at a time when her romantic life was leaving her feeling small. This kind of friendship, built on mutual recognition and support, provides a foundation of self-knowledge and self-esteem that is essential for any healthy relationship.

Author Candice Carty-Williams echoes this, explaining that for those with a fear of abandonment, friendships can feel like a safer, more consistent source of love than romance. They are a space to practice vulnerability and intimacy. However, sustaining any long-term relationship, romantic or platonic, requires a delicate balance between connection and separateness. Psychotherapist Susan Quilliam explains that many relationships fail because partners become enmeshed, losing their sense of self. It is crucial to maintain an individual identity—an "I" within the "we." This allows for both intimacy and the healthy distance needed to desire one another. This separateness prevents stagnation and allows each person to grow, bringing new energy back into the relationship.

Narrator: The pain of losing love—whether through a breakup, divorce, or death—is often misunderstood. The book explains that one of the most profound aspects of this grief is the loss of the imagined future. When a relationship ends, we don't just mourn the person; we mourn the life we thought we would have with them. Lunn shares a quiet but powerful story of this unspoken grief. During her pregnancy, she had a brief, friendly rapport with the barista at her local coffee shop, who knew to make her a decaf. After her miscarriage, she returned and ordered a regular coffee. The barista simply gave her a gentle, knowing nod. In that silent moment, a stranger acknowledged her loss, providing a small but significant comfort.

The book features several stories of individuals who navigated profound loss and found a way to love again. Journalist Justine Picardie, who lost her sister to cancer and then went through a divorce, learned that it was possible to find a new soulmate in her forties. Journalist Ariel Levy, who lost her son and her marriage in the span of a few weeks, found love again by learning to accept what she could not control. These stories reveal that grief and love are not opposites; they are deeply intertwined. Surviving loss is not about erasing the pain but about integrating it. It requires accepting that love is always a risk, a leap of faith taken without any guarantee.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Conversations on Love is that love is not a destination to be reached or a prize to be won, but an active, ongoing practice. It is a choice we make every day, a verb that requires action, attention, and courage. It is the decision to see our partners anew, to invest in our friendships, to be vulnerable, and to show up for the people we care about, even and especially when it's difficult.

Ultimately, the book challenges us to stop searching for a perfect, idealized love and instead start tuning into the frequency of love that is all around us—in the kindness of a stranger, the loyalty of a friend, and the quiet, everyday moments of connection with a partner. It asks us to consider: What if we spent less time worrying about whether we are loved, and more time practicing how to be loving?