Autumn: Hey everyone, welcome back! Today we're tackling a subject that's super important, yet often a bit murky: sexual well-being. Ever find yourself wondering why your desire seems to go up and down like crazy, or why stress just kills the mood completely? Well, you're definitely not the only one, and we're going to unpack it all today. Rachel: Exactly. And it’s not just about the actions, but the reasons. Turns out there's actually a whole science to this. And Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, it's brilliant because it "really" gets into the nitty-gritty. Think of it as a user manual to understanding women’s sexuality, mixing biology, emotions, and all sorts of cultural stuff into one insightful mix. Autumn: Right. What's so great about Nagoski is that she’s both kind and scientific. She explains how women's sexual experiences are shaped not just by their bodies—how they physically react, for example—but also by their emotional state, the situation they're in, and what society expects. Plus, she gives you ways to use this knowledge to feel better about yourself and enjoy your sexuality more. Rachel: We're definitely not talking boring textbooks here, guys. It’s all super relevant, relatable stuff. Arousal as a car? Stress as weather messing up your garden of desire? It's science presented in a way that "really", "really" clicks. Autumn: So, here’s the plan for today. First up, we're diving into the Dual Control Model. It's a "really" great way to think about how your brain handles sexual response, like a car with both an accelerator and brakes. Then, we’ll look at how things like stress, love, and connection work a bit like the weather in your sexual "garden," influencing what grows—or doesn’t. And we’ll finish up with some tips and tools to help you find joy and create a sexual landscape that "really" works for you. Rachel: It's science, sure, but it’s also deeply human, you know? Funny, a little messy, and very personal. So, ready to get into the mechanics of what makes desire actually… work? Let’s do it.

Autumn: Okay, so let's dive into the core of it all – the Dual Control Model. Emily Nagoski introduces this as a way of really understanding how sexual arousal functions in the brain. Think of it like this: your brain has two main systems, an accelerator and a brake. The accelerator responds to anything arousing, you know, like touching, flirting, or even just a romantic dinner setting. But then you've got the brake system, which kind of shuts things down when it detects stress, anxiety, or even just distractions around you. Rachel: So it's like, imagine a really finicky car, right? You step on the gas, but then the car's like, "Uh oh, the road's a bit bumpy," or, "Wait, is that rain on the windshield? Slam on the brakes!" Autumn: Exactly! And what's so great about this model is that it's so “dynamic”. It shows us that sexual response isn’t just about stepping on the gas; it’s equally about, well, managing those brakes. The brake system? Think of it as the brain's built-in safety mechanism, designed to protect you from anything that feels unsafe or stressful. Rachel: That makes perfect sense, actually. If you’re stressed about a work deadline that’s looming over you, or you're just replaying an argument with your partner in your head, it doesn’t really matter how much you try to floor it, you're just not going anywhere. Autumn: Exactly, yeah! And one of the key things to remember is that everyone has their own unique balance of accelerators and brakes. Some people have super sensitive accelerators, so they're easily aroused by just a little affectionate touch or even suggestive thoughts. Others, though, might have more sensitive brakes, so even minor stressors can easily distract or inhibit them. That's why there's really no one-size-fits-all when it comes to desire. Rachel: It reminds me of Camilla's story in the book. Emily uses her as this prime example of how emotional and environmental stress can totally hijack the brake system. She went from feeling this really vibrant sexual connection with her partner to feeling completely disconnected, and it wasn't because anything had changed physically, right? Autumn: Precisely! Camilla's accelerators, they were still functional – she could still respond to touch or, you know, romantic gestures – but her brakes? They were just overwhelmed by stress. She had a crazy workload, family responsibilities piling up, and her mind just couldn't switch off. It's a perfect example of how much context “really” matters when it comes to shaping desire. Rachel: And I think what's so eye-opening about this example is how it completely flips the traditional narrative on its head. Most of the time, when we're talking about a "low libido," people focus on the accelerator. They think the answer is just to add more romantic gestures, get some sexy lingerie, or just be more spontaneous. Autumn: Yeah, but if the brake is on, all those attempts to rev the engine just won't work! What Camilla – and others in her situation – really needed to do was figure out what was jamming her brakes, and deal with that first. Rachel: Which brings us to the whole role that “context” plays in all of this. Camilla wasn’t broken; her arousal system was just responding exactly as it’s designed to. I mean, the brake system’s there to prioritize safety and security above everything else. So if it senses danger, even if the so-called "threat" is just a chaotic work environment or unresolved tension with a partner, it’s going to shut things down. Autumn: Absolutely. And Nagoski emphasizes that the same thing – say, your partner’s affectionate touch – can cause totally different reactions depending on the context. If you're feeling relaxed, connected, and emotionally supported, that touch might just fire up your accelerator. But if you're feeling stressed, vulnerable, or upset, that same touch might do nothing – or even hit the brakes harder. Rachel: I “really” love that point. It’s almost like your arousal system is this massively sensitive, context-dependent instrument. And it makes you wonder – how much damage has been done by these cultural myths that tell us desire should just happen, like flipping a switch? Autumn: So much damage, honestly. And Nagoski tackles that too, especially the cultural narratives that hit women the hardest. A lot of us grow up getting messages that sex is either taboo, or even worse, something we're expected to perform perfectly. Those messages tune our brakes to be, like, hypersensitive because we're always worried about judgment, rejection, or failure. It's no wonder so many women feel inhibited when it comes to their sexual expression. Rachel: Case in point: Olivia’s story. She's another composite character in the book who struggled with feelings of inadequacy. Even though Olivia wanted to feel connected with her partner, her brakes were practically screaming "stop!" because of the cultural baggage she was carrying about what she "should" look like or how she "should" behave during sex. Autumn: Exactly. And Nagoski walks us through how Olivia learned to identify those internalized beliefs and approach them with self-compassion. By redefining those harmful narratives and “really” addressing her fears honestly, she was able to loosen the grip of her brakes and create the emotional headspace for her accelerators to actually engage. Rachel: It’s such a powerful example of how all of this isn’t just about biology – it’s about psychology, emotions, even societal pressures. And what “really” resonates with me is the idea that no one’s actually “broken.” Just because you're not revving up the way you think you're supposed to doesn't mean there's something fundamentally wrong with you. Autumn: That's one of my favorite takeaways too. Nagoski emphasizes that, you know, variation in arousal systems is completely normal. Some people have sensitive brakes; others have sensitive accelerators. And as we said earlier, context matters so much that the same person can experience completely different levels of desire depending on their circumstances. Rachel: Okay, but here's the question I always come back to: Great, we know brakes and accelerators exist. So, like, what the heck do you actually “do” about it? Autumn: And that's where the book “really” shines. Nagoski gives us real, concrete tools for recalibrating your balance of brakes and accelerators. One exercise she suggests is creating a personalized checklist of your brake factors. These are the things that tend to, you know, inhibit your arousal – like unresolved arguments, a messy house, or even just feeling physically unwell. By identifying those factors, you can start to tackle them head-on. Rachel: It’s like, you're debugging your internal system. You figure out what's jamming the gears, and you clear it out so things can flow again. Autumn: Exactly! And it's not about flipping a switch overnight – it's about building habits that support your emotional and physical well-being. Maybe that means prioritizing some self-care, improving communication with your partner, or just giving yourself permission to relax and recharge. Rachel: And that’s the key takeaway for me: sexual wellbeing isn’t just a passive thing. It’s something you can actively cultivate when you “really” understand how these systems work. It’s about creating the right environment – both physically and emotionally – and just being patient with yourself as you figure out what actually works best for you. Autumn: I couldn't agree more. The Dual Control Model is such a freeing idea because it gives people a way to understand their own unique sexuality – without guilt, without shame, and with a whole lot of room for curiosity and growth.

Autumn: So, understanding that core model of how our bodies respond physically really sets the stage for what we're talking about today: how emotional and situational stuff impacts our sexuality. We’re going to break down how everything from stress to societal norms can either fuel or completely kill your desire. Rachel: Exactly. And this is where it gets... messy, in the best way. Because it's all connected, right? It's not just one thing. It's your emotions, your environment, your relationship—everything's swirling around together. You know, like that One Ring Nagoski uses to describe emotional context? It's the ultimate control center, like Sauron, but for your libido. How does stress, or that constant inner critic, hold so much sway over everything? Autumn: It really does. That One Ring idea is perfect for showing how your emotional state just drives sexual responsiveness. When you're stressed, feeling unsafe, or just overwhelmed, your emotional brakes go on hard. They shut things down even if you want to feel desire. But when you feel safe, loved, connected, or joyful—those accelerators kick in way more easily. The One Ring just amplifies whatever you're feeling. Rachel: That makes sense. The stronger the emotion, the bigger the impact. But here’s the thing: everyone reacts to pressure differently, right? Take Olivia and Patrick, for example. She dealt with stress by craving intimacy, needing that physical connection to ground herself. Patrick? The total opposite. Stress made him withdraw, needing to disconnect to process things. That difference became a real battleground. Autumn: Right, and Olivia and Patrick's situation is super relatable. For Olivia, sex was a comfort, and she saw it as a way to reconnect after tough days. But Patrick's brakes were way too sensitive; stress just killed his ability to be present, both sexually and emotionally. And that created a negative loop, naturally. Olivia felt rejected, thinking his withdrawal was about her, while Patrick felt pressured. Rachel: Exactly. It was like their brakes were completely out of sync. But what I found really interesting was how they navigated it – not by trying to fix each other, but by actually communicating honestly and without judgment. They started seeing their different stress responses as just that – different, not wrong, like variations in their emotional wiring. Autumn: And that’s such a key takeaway. Being empathetic and accepting that there’s no "right" way to react to stress really helped them meet in the middle. It’s almost revolutionary when you realize that desire isn’t about fixing what's "wrong" with you, but understanding why you feel the way you do. Rachel: And that leads us to stress itself, a massive, massive blocker. Stress is like the ultimate brake-booster. No matter how revved up your engine is, if you're in fight-or-flight or just constantly worrying, your brain prioritizes survival – not pleasure. Even the example of new parents in the book – talk about peak stress. Autumn: Seriously. The postpartum period is like the perfect storm for emotional and contextual obstacles. Fatigue, body changes, relationship shifts – they all hit at once. What was once a turn-on can suddenly feel like a pressure cooker. One partner might crave emotional reassurance, but misinterpret the lack of sex as distance, while the other is just completely tapped out and can’t even think about connecting physically. Rachel: And what’s smart is that Nagoski doesn’t offer some cookie-cutter solution. She focuses on lowering stress first by investing in non-sexual intimacy. Like, sharing a meal or having a real conversation. It’s about getting emotionally back on track before you even think about physical stuff. Like, you water the garden before you plant anything new, right? Autumn: Exactly! Shifting the focus to connection naturally releases the brakes over time. But it’s also important to look past individual stress and see how societal expectations play a role. Women, especially, often carry these cultural scripts that make them question their desires or feel ashamed of what they enjoy—or don’t. Rachel: Oh, cultural narratives are huge. Merritt’s story, for instance, is both heartbreaking and a great example of how damaging shame can be. Here's this young woman figuring out her identity, facing external judgment just for being gay. And then, on top of that, she experiences an assault that adds trauma to those existing messages. It's like her brakes were beyond repair, at least until she started to reframe her story. Autumn: Absolutely, and Merritt's story really highlights how resilient we can be. Experiencing that assault and internalizing the false narrative that her freeze response meant "consent" really crushed her sense of self and connection to her body. But with a supportive partner and a metaphorical approach to healing, she started to reclaim herself. Rachel: That whole garden metaphor she used, though—that was powerful. The idea that trauma uproots your garden, leaving it bare, but that doesn't mean it's destroyed forever. You can replant, regrow. It just takes time and, crucially, self-compassion. Autumn: That self-compassion is key. Nagoski’s work reminds us that reclaiming your sexuality after trauma—or reshaping it in the face of societal shame—isn’t about rushing the process. It’s about creating that fertile ground through trust and small acts of joy and giving yourself the space to heal. Rachel: And the best part is, these aren’t just abstract ideas. Nagoski offers concrete practices for rewriting those emotional narratives and creating supportive environments, both individually and as a couple. From mindfulness to dealing with those deep-seated beliefs, she gives you a toolkit to reshape your emotional landscape. Autumn: Totally, and mindfulness is a big one. When you pair it with emotional exploration—like journaling or challenging those self-critical thoughts—you start to see the story you're telling yourself really shapes the experience. Things like figuring out your specific brake triggers or experimenting with how physical context—lighting, music, conversations—affects you puts the power back in your hands. Rachel: Exactly, it’s not about "fixing" yourself. It's about understanding yourself better. And by removing those blocks, you make space for the good stuff, those accelerators, to actually work. It’s a really empowering shift in perspective.

Autumn: So, recognizing these influences helps us find practical ways to overcome obstacles and “really” improve our sexual well-being. That leads us to today's main topic: empowerment through self-acceptance and embracing pleasure. What I “really” appreciate about this part of Nagoski's book is how it walks you through a process—from understanding how desire works, like the brakes and accelerators, to making some “really” deep personal changes. It's not just theory, you know? It's actually actionable, changing how we think about and experience our sexuality. Rachel: Yeah, and I think the focus on self-acceptance is what makes this “really” hit home. But, that's not always a walk in the park, is it? Unpacking all those myths about what's "normal," letting go of shame, and rewiring all those cultural scripts we've absorbed—it can feel like an emotional workout. But Nagoski doesn't just leave you hanging. She gives you the tools and says, "Hey, you can do this." So, let's start with that first big idea: redefining what's normal. Autumn: Absolutely, redefining normal is “really” central to this chapter. Nagoski “really” emphasizes that everyone's sexuality is unique. There's no "normal," no one-size-fits-all standard that people should be aiming for. One of the most common myths she challenges is this idea that sexual desire has to be spontaneous. You know, like in the movies—people just glance at each other and can't keep their hands off each other. For a lot of people, desire just doesn't work like that. Actually, it's much more common for desire to be responsive, not spontaneous. Rachel: Responsive desire—that's such a revelation, isn't it? I mean, it's almost a bit rebellious when you think about how much society clings to that whole lightning-bolt, spontaneous thing. Responsive desire basically says, "Hey, maybe you need the right cues, the right mood, the right emotional connection." Nagoski doesn't see it as a problem, but as a totally valid, normal way to experience arousal. Autumn: Exactly! And she points out that when people don't understand this, they often feel broken, like something's wrong with them. But responsive desire isn't less intense or less real than spontaneous desire—it just needs a different environment to grow. It's about creating the conditions where arousal can happen naturally. Rachel: Take the example in the book about the woman who was struggling with this exact thing—she felt like her desire was messed up because she didn't just "feel it" automatically. And when she learned about responsive desire, it was like everything clicked. Suddenly, she realized that her sexuality wasn't about meeting some kind of expectation. It was about figuring out what worked for her personally. Autumn: That moment of realization is so powerful, isn't it? And this idea of responsiveness connects to this larger theme of individuality. Nagoski makes it clear that we all have our own unique sexual "blueprints"—our own patterns, pleasures, and preferences. It's not about trying to fit in; it's about honoring who you are. Once you stop trying to shove yourself into a box labeled "normal," you can start focusing on what “really” brings you pleasure. Rachel: And speaking of pleasure, Nagoski doesn't just leave you with the idea of self-acceptance. She actually gives you tools to reconnect with your pleasure in practical ways. Let's discuss some of those. What about the arousal scale exercise, for instance? It's one of those moments where you think, "Why didn't anyone teach me this before?" It's such a simple, but effective way to understand how your body responds in real time. Autumn: The arousal scale is “really” brilliant because it shifts the focus away from the destination—orgasm—and puts it on the journey. The exercise encourages people to “really” tune into their sensations, rating their arousal on a scale from 0 to 10. The goal isn't to force your way to a 10. It's to notice and appreciate whatever level you're at, whether it's a soft, subtle pleasure or something more intense. Rachel: And the genius of it is that it gives you permission to pause, right? We're so used to thinking, "Okay, arousal means we're just going up, up, up." But with this exercise, you can step back and say, "Let me just hang out here at a 4 or a 5. Let me appreciate this level of sensation without rushing to the next one." It's almost like a form of meditation, in a way. Autumn: Exactly. And that intentional slowing down is so key. There's a great story in the book about a woman, who was “really” burdened by self-criticism and pressure to perform. She started using the arousal scale, and by letting go of that pressure—by simply noticing her sensations rather than judging them—she was able to rediscover her connection to pleasure. That shift from performance to mindfulness was “really” transformative for her. Rachel: And Nagoski doesn't stop there, does she? She also introduces extended orgasm practices, which build on those same principles—taking your time, creating that space for pleasure. This is fascinating because it kind of flips traditional ideas about climax on their heads. It's not about rushing toward that peak moment, it's about staying in that heightened, pre-orgasmic state to enjoy the waves of sensation. Autumn: Right. The extended orgasm practice is about using mindfulness and deep breathing to explore and prolong those moments of arousal. Nagoski talks about consciously avoiding the "brake" that shuts things down while also stepping back from the "accelerator" that might push you too quickly over the edge. It's a delicate dance that invites you to “really” be present in your body's sensations. Rachel: Yeah, Merritt's story “really” resonated with me. Her frustration from not being able to achieve orgasm led her to a place where she felt like she had to perform, to act a certain way, or to pretend to enjoy things that she wasn't fully into. But when she changed her mindset through these practices—when she let go of the goal and focused on the process—it was like a switch flipped. She found new levels of intimacy with herself and her partner. That's such a game-changer, you know? Autumn: Definitely, and her journey “really” highlights one of the chapter's most important insights: pleasure isn't a straight line. It doesn't need to follow a script or meet some kind of societal standard. It's about fully embracing what feels good, what feels right, in a way that's deeply personal and incredibly freeing.

Autumn: Wow, Rachel, what a journey! We've covered so much ground today, from understanding the Dual Control Model – how our "accelerators" and "brakes" work – to recognizing how much our environment shapes our desires. And then, reclaiming pleasure through self-acceptance and mindfulness. It’s amazing how comprehensive Emily Nagoski's approach is. Rachel: It really is. And what strikes me most is how individual, how “personal” this all is. There isn't a single, magic solution for everyone; it's not about quick fixes. It’s really about empowering yourself with the tools and, more importantly, the “permission” to explore your own sexuality—without shame, without pressure, and with a healthy dose of curiosity. Autumn: Yes, exactly! And if there's “one” thing I hope everyone takes away from this, it’s this: Sexuality is just as much about self-understanding and self-compassion as it is about the physical sensations and pleasure. By figuring out what hits your "brakes" and what revs your "accelerators," and shifting the focus away from performance and towards genuine joy, you're fundamentally creating space for self-discovery, for your own personalized growth plan, in a way. Rachel: Absolutely. And I’d add this: don’t be afraid of the process itself. Experiment with the arousal scale, challenge those outdated cultural myths, check in with yourself emotionally. There’s such power in simply paying attention to these things. As Nagoski says, your pleasure isn’t broken – it just needs the right environment to blossom. Autumn: Precisely! So, let’s all embrace the lessons from this book: prioritize self-care, celebrate what makes you unique, and always remember: There’s no "normal" when it comes to sexuality—only what feels good and right for you.