Mark: The greatest lie Hollywood ever sold us isn't that love conquers all. It's that you need to find love in the first place. Michelle: Ooh, that’s a bold start. What’s the alternative? Mark: What if the real secret is that you have to become love first? That's the provocative idea we're exploring today. Michelle: I like that. It flips the whole script from a desperate search to a personal journey. Mark: And that's the core of the book we're diving into, Closer to Love by Vex King. Michelle: Vex King is a fascinating figure. This isn't just some academic in an ivory tower. This is a guy who went from homelessness and real adversity to becoming a number one bestselling author. He's lived the transformation he writes about. Mark: Exactly. And that lived experience is what makes his first big idea so powerful. He argues that our relationships are essentially mirrors.

Michelle: A mirror? What do you mean by that? Mark: He puts it very directly with a quote that really sets the tone for the whole book: "The love you experience with others will be a direct reflection of the love you share with yourself." Michelle: Wow. So if my relationships are chaotic or unfulfilling, I should be looking at myself first, not blaming my partner or my bad luck on dating apps. Mark: That’s precisely the argument. He challenges this cultural myth that we’re all incomplete halves searching for our other half to feel whole. King’s perspective is that this mindset is what leads to unhealthy dependency and disappointment. You can't pour from an empty cup, and you can't build a solid relationship on a shaky foundation of self-worth. Michelle: That really resonates. He uses his own story to illustrate this, doesn't he? Mark: He does, and it's incredibly powerful. In the introduction, he talks about a devastating heartbreak that left him feeling like a shell of his former self. He had built his entire future in his mind around this one person, and when it ended, his world just shattered. Michelle: I think everyone can relate to that feeling. The world loses its color. Mark: Absolutely. But here's the pivot. He says that instead of immediately jumping into another relationship to numb the pain—which is what most people do—he was forced to confront his own darkness. He had to sit with the pain, the loneliness, the self-doubt. And that painful process became the catalyst for his own journey into self-love and what he calls spiritual expansion. Michelle: That's a beautiful idea, but for someone in that raw pain, hearing 'just love yourself' feels impossible. What's the first actual step King suggests? How do you move from being a 'shell of your former self' to starting that journey? Mark: He’s very practical about this. The first step isn’t some grand gesture. It’s self-inquiry. It’s asking the hard questions: What was my role in the relationship's failure? What patterns do I keep repeating? What needs was I trying to get met by this other person that I wasn't meeting for myself? He warns against what he calls the "rebound trap," where you use a new person as a bandage for old wounds. Michelle: Right, because you just end up carrying the same baggage to a new destination. Mark: Exactly. He has this fantastic quote: "Recognizing you’re already whole will make you a better half." It’s not about finding someone to complete you. It’s about becoming so complete in yourself that your love can be a gift, not a demand. Michelle: So, it's less about finding a new person and more about rediscovering your own person. I love that. It feels so much more empowering. Mark: It is. And it sets the stage for everything else. Because once you start that inner work, you're better equipped to handle the complexities that arise when you do connect with someone else. Michelle: Okay, so you start with yourself. But what happens when you bring your newly-whole self into a relationship and their 'demons' start clashing with yours? This is where the baggage comes in, right? Mark: That is the perfect question, and it leads directly to the second major part of the book. It’s not just about your journey; it’s about navigating the intersection of your journey and someone else's.

Michelle: The whole "your demons versus their demons" idea. It sounds like a heavyweight fight. Mark: It can feel like one. King introduces this concept he calls "emotional hoarding." Michelle: Hold on, 'emotional hoarding' sounds intense. Can you break that down with a real-world example? What does that actually look like day-to-day? Mark: He uses a brilliant analogy. Imagine a woman who loves cats. She starts with one or two, but over time, she keeps adopting more and more until her house is overrun. It's chaotic, unhealthy, and she can't properly care for any of them. He says we do the same thing with our emotional hurts. We hold onto past resentments, insecurities, and betrayals. We never clean them out. So when we enter a new relationship, we're bringing this cluttered, chaotic inner space with us, and there's no room for anything new and healthy to grow. Michelle: That is a fantastic analogy. You’re suffocating the present with the past. And this hoarding, I assume, is connected to our attachment styles? Mark: Directly. He breaks down the main attachment styles in a really accessible way, using these little mini-dramas that are instantly recognizable. For instance, he describes the "Dismissive/Avoidant" style with a couple, Sam and Keisha. Keisha wants to talk through problems, but every time she tries, Sam just shuts down or walks away. He can't handle the conflict, so he avoids it, leaving Keisha feeling completely alone and uncared for. Michelle: And then there's the opposite, the "Anxious" style. Mark: Right. He gives the example of Isla and Max. Isla is deeply insecure and constantly needs reassurance. She gets jealous if Max even looks at another woman and throws a tantrum at a party because she feels neglected. She's so afraid of losing him that her anxiety is actually pushing him away. Michelle: Wow, the story of Isla constantly needing reassurance... that feels uncomfortably familiar for so many people. It's the terror of the read receipt, personified. Mark: It really is. And he also covers the "Fearful/Avoidant" style, which is a confusing mix of both—someone who craves intimacy but is terrified of it, creating this push-pull dynamic. And then, of course, there's the goal: the "Secure" attachment style, where partners feel connected and supportive but also maintain their independence. Michelle: So if you recognize yourself or your partner in one of these unhealthy styles, are you doomed? Or is this just a label for a pattern you can change? Mark: That's the most hopeful part of the book. He says these are not life sentences; they are patterns. And the first step to changing a pattern is recognizing it exists. He tells this really moving story about a woman named Zadie who grew up in a hostile home and learned to become "emotionally mute" to survive. She never expressed her feelings. It took a patient, secure partner, Hakeem, to create a safe space for her to finally unpack that baggage and learn to speak her emotional truth. Michelle: So a healthy relationship can actually be a place of healing, not just a place where old wounds get triggered. Mark: It can be, but it requires conscious effort from both people. It requires you to stop seeing disagreements as battles to be won and start seeing them as opportunities to understand each other's "demons." Michelle: That's a huge mindset shift. It’s moving from "me versus you" to "us versus the problem." Mark: And that’s the perfect transition to King's ultimate point. You're not doomed because love isn't just a state you're in; it's something you do.

Michelle: "Love is a Verb." That's one of the chapter titles, and it really cuts through the noise. It’s not a passive feeling that just happens to you. Mark: Exactly. This is where he moves from psychology to philosophy. He argues that our culture is obsessed with the feeling of falling in love—the passion, the excitement. But that's just one part of what he calls Sternberg's "Triangle of Love," which also includes intimacy and, most importantly, commitment. The "in love" feeling will fade. True, lasting love is what's left over. It’s the daily choice to show up. Michelle: He gives those "Ten Relationship Rules," which are super practical. Things like "disagree fairly," "honor intimacy," and my personal favorite, "friendship first." Mark: Yes, the idea that your partner should also be your friend is so fundamental but often overlooked. It's about that baseline of respect, trust, and just enjoying each other's company. He even has a rule called "do the dishes," which is a metaphor for sharing the mundane, everyday burdens of life fairly. Resentment over chores is rarely about the chores themselves; it's about feeling unappreciated or taken for granted. Michelle: It’s all action-based. But then he takes it a step further into territory that gets a bit more... abstract. Mark: You're talking about "Love is a Vibe." Michelle: I am. This 'vibe' and 'frequency' language is where the book gets a bit polarizing, isn't it? Some readers find it a bit too 'woo-woo.' How does King ground this in reality? Mark: He does, and it's surprisingly compelling. He anticipates that skepticism. First, he connects it to real science, referencing the work of mathematicians like Steven Strogatz on synchronicity—how fireflies in a forest start flashing in unison. He talks about how our brainwaves—gamma, beta, theta—are literally different frequencies associated with different emotional states. So the idea that emotions have a "vibration" isn't entirely metaphorical. Michelle: Okay, so he's building a bridge from the scientific to the spiritual. Mark: Precisely. And then he makes it practical. He says, okay, if you want to "raise your love vibration," you don't just sit and meditate on it. You take action. He suggests things like: actively look for admirable qualities in other people. Listen to uplifting music. Practice gratitude. Visualize loving interactions. These are all concrete behaviors that change your emotional and mental state. Michelle: So the "vibe" is the result of the "verb." The feeling follows the action. Mark: You've nailed it. That's the synthesis of the whole book. Love isn't something you find. It's something you build within yourself through self-awareness. It's something you practice with others through conscious action and empathy. And it's a way of life you choose by focusing on compassion and connection. It’s a complete, holistic system.

Michelle: So when you put it all together, what's the one big shift this book is asking us to make? Mark: It's shifting our focus from the destination of finding 'the one' to the journey of becoming whole ourselves. The book argues that a healthy relationship isn't two halves making a whole, but two whole people choosing to walk together. The most profound love stories are the ones we write with ourselves first. Michelle: That feels like a much more stable and sustainable way to approach love. You're not putting the responsibility for your happiness onto another person. Mark: You're taking full ownership of it. And when you do that, you attract people who are also whole, and you build something based on mutual respect and freedom, not neediness and fear. Michelle: It’s a powerful message. If people listening wanted to start putting this into practice today, what's one small thing they could do? Mark: Maybe the takeaway is to try one of King's 'Ten Relationship Rules' this week—just one. Like 'holding space' for your partner's reality without immediately trying to fix it or argue with it. Just listen and say, "I hear you." Michelle: That alone could be revolutionary for a lot of couples. And we'd love to hear which rule you try, or what part of this conversation resonated. Let us know what you discover. It's a conversation worth having. Mark: It certainly is. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.