Narrator: How can we live in an age of unprecedented digital connection, yet feel so profoundly distant in our most intimate relationships? We swipe, we text, we present curated versions of ourselves, all in the pursuit of a connection that often feels fleeting and unfulfilling. Many relationships today seem to lack the depth and loyalty we crave, leaving us to wonder if we are simply unlucky in love or if the very nature of connection has become broken. This modern paradox is the central puzzle explored in Vex King’s book, Closer to Love: How to Attract the Right People, Deepen Your Relationships, and Discover Lasting Love. King argues that the solution to this external problem lies not in finding a perfect partner, but in embarking on an internal journey. The book posits that to get closer to love with another, we must first get closer to ourselves.

Narrator: The core principle of Closer to Love is that the relationship you have with others is a direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. King asserts that it is nearly impossible to build genuine closeness with someone else if you are disconnected from your own emotions and needs. As he puts it, "Recognizing you’re already whole will make you a better half." This challenges the popular myth that a partner will complete you. Instead, King argues that healthy relationships are formed between two whole individuals who come together to share their completeness.

He illustrates this through his own story of a devastating heartbreak. The end of a significant relationship left him feeling like a shell of his former self, forcing him to confront his own inner darkness. Instead of immediately seeking a new partner to numb the pain—a common pattern that leads to repeating the same mistakes—he embarked on a difficult journey of self-inquiry and self-love. This period of reckoning allowed him to heal, understand his own patterns, and ultimately build a far healthier, more authentic relationship with his wife, Kaushal. This experience taught him that heartbreak, while painful, can be a powerful catalyst for growth, forcing us to build a solid foundation of self-love before we can successfully build a life with someone else.

Narrator: Many people enter relationships carrying unresolved issues from their past, a phenomenon King describes as "emotional hoarding." Just as a physical hoarder’s home becomes cluttered and unlivable, a person who clings to past hurts, resentments, and insecurities finds their capacity for new love suffocated. This emotional baggage often dictates our behavior in unconscious ways.

King explains that these patterns are frequently rooted in our early childhood and our resulting attachment styles. For instance, he tells the story of Sam and Keisha. Keisha feels neglected because Sam shuts down during any conflict. Sam isn't intentionally cruel; he has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, likely learned in childhood, where he copes with stress by creating emotional distance. In another example, Isla’s anxious attachment style makes her constantly seek reassurance from her new partner, Max, leading to jealousy and tension. By understanding whether we are anxious, avoidant, or secure in our attachments, we can begin to understand why we act the way we do in relationships. This self-awareness is the first step to breaking free from destructive cycles and choosing partners who are compatible with our healed selves, not just our unhealed wounds.

Narrator: In a world of dating apps and social media, attraction is often reduced to superficial qualities. King uses the analogy of the 19th-century Gold Rush to describe this phenomenon. Prospectors would get excited by anything that glinted in their pan, only to be disappointed when it turned out to be "fool's gold." Similarly, we can be drawn to a person's looks, status, or charm—a "flash in the pan"—only to realize there is no real substance or emotional connection beneath the surface.

To counter this, King advises decoding the different layers of attraction: physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. A lasting connection requires more than just one type. He points to his own experience of meeting his wife, where the primary pull was a deep spiritual attraction—a feeling of inexplicable alignment and familiarity that transcended typical physical attraction. This deeper resonance is what he argues we should seek. He also warns against the "terror of texting" and what sociologist Zygmunt Bauman called "liquid love"—the tendency to treat relationships as disposable commodities. True connection, King insists, requires moving beyond the games and prioritizing consistent effort and genuine emotional intelligence.

Narrator: Love is not just a feeling; it is a practice governed by intentional effort. King outlines ten practical rules for building and maintaining a healthy relationship. These aren't rigid laws but guiding principles for navigating the complexities of partnership. They include simple but vital actions like "doing the little things" to show appreciation and "doing the dishes" to ensure fairness in daily life, which prevents resentment from building over small matters.

Crucially, King emphasizes the need to "disagree fairly." Conflict is inevitable, but emotionally mature couples can disagree without resorting to shaming, blaming, or name-calling. This is part of what psychologist Joanne Davilla calls "romantic competence," which involves insight into our patterns, mutuality in meeting each other's needs, and the emotional regulation to handle conflict constructively. King also stresses the importance of "holding space" for your partner's reality, even if you don't agree with it. This creates a safe environment where both individuals feel seen, heard, and respected, strengthening the foundation of the relationship.

Narrator: Many people build emotional walls to protect themselves from getting hurt, but King argues these walls also lock out the possibility of true intimacy. Vulnerability—the act of allowing yourself to be truly seen—is the birthplace of love, belonging, and deep connection. It is not a weakness, but an act of immense courage.

To illustrate its power, King references Marina Abramović's famous performance art piece, "The Artist Is Present." For three months, she sat silently in a chair as strangers sat across from her, simply gazing into her eyes. Without a single word, this raw, vulnerable exchange brought many participants to tears, demonstrating that the most profound connections are often forged in moments of unguarded, authentic presence. King clarifies that vulnerability isn't about oversharing with everyone; it's about building trust with someone who has earned it through consistent, supportive behavior. And that trust begins with self-trust: trusting your own judgment, values, and ability to handle your emotions.

Narrator: In its highest form, love transcends fleeting feelings and becomes a conscious choice, an energy, and a way of life. King encourages readers to see love as a verb—an action you choose every day. It's in the commitment to work through problems, the willingness to forgive, and the consistent effort to nurture the connection.

He also presents love as a "vibe," a vibrational frequency we emanate. Drawing on concepts from physics and spirituality, he suggests that emotions like love, joy, and peace resonate at a high frequency, while shame, guilt, and fear resonate at lower ones. By consciously choosing loving thoughts and actions, we can raise our own vibration, which not only improves our well-being but also attracts people who resonate on a similar frequency. This culminates in the idea of love as a way of life. King uses the metaphor of the sun, which shines on everyone and everything unconditionally, without demanding anything in return. To love this way is to give freely from a place of inner fullness, not from a place of lack.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Closer to Love is that the fulfilling, authentic love we seek is not something we find, but something we cultivate. It is an inside-out process that begins with the courageous work of healing ourselves, understanding our patterns, and committing to a life of self-love. The quality of our relationships is ultimately determined by the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves.

Vex King’s work challenges us to shift our focus. Instead of asking what we can get from a relationship, we are prompted to ask what we are prepared to bring to one. It leaves us with a profound question: Are you willing to do the internal work required to become the kind of person who can create, sustain, and cherish the very love you desire?