Narrator: A high-achieving seventeen-year-old, the captain of his soccer team, finds himself at a party, blackout drunk. He has fragmented memories of a female friend helping him, fumbling with his pants, and touching him sexually. The next morning, confused and upset, he has to ask her if they had sex. She confirms they did, and when he expresses his devastation—he had wanted his first time to be special—she dismisses his feelings with a simple, jarring phrase: "All guys want it."

This single, unsettling moment captures the central question explored in Peggy Orenstein's groundbreaking book, Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity. Orenstein pulls back the curtain on the silent crisis facing young men, revealing a world where the pressure to perform a narrow, rigid version of masculinity leaves them isolated, confused, and often in pain. The book is a journey into their inner lives, based on hundreds of hours of candid interviews, exposing the gap between the myths society tells about boys and the complex reality they actually live.

Narrator: Before young men even have their first real-life sexual encounter, they are enrolled in what one educator in the book calls "dick school." This is an informal but brutally effective curriculum that teaches them the rules of traditional masculinity. They learn to live inside the "man box," a rigid container of expectations that dictates they must be strong, stoic, dominant, and emotionally reserved. To show vulnerability, sadness, or fear is to risk being seen as weak or feminine—the ultimate sin.

The consequences of this conditioning are devastating. Orenstein shares the story of Rob, a college freshman whose father taught him to "man up" and handle problems on his own. When his girlfriend cheats on him and they break up, Rob is consumed by grief but feels he can't talk to anyone. His male friends would just tell him to "stop being a bitch." His ex-girlfriend had been his only confidant. Trapped by the rules of the man box, Rob tries to ignore his pain, but it festers until he suffers a complete mental breakdown. His story is a stark illustration of how the pressure to suppress emotion doesn't make boys stronger; it leaves them dangerously alone with their pain.

Narrator: With parents often silent and school-based sex education frequently inadequate, many boys turn to the internet for answers. There, pornography becomes their primary teacher. In Boys & Sex, Orenstein reveals how this digital curriculum shapes their understanding of intimacy, desire, and relationships in profoundly distorted ways. It presents a world of effortless, aggressive, and often degrading sex that bears little resemblance to reality.

The story of Mason, a college sophomore, shows this journey vividly. Raised in a home where sex was never discussed, he turned to porn in seventh grade. It became, in his words, as integral to his life as eating or sleeping. But this education left him with warped perceptions of women and unrealistic expectations. His turning point came not from a screen, but from a real person: his girlfriend, Jeannie. Before they ever had intercourse, they spent an hour just talking, sharing fears and vulnerabilities. For Mason, this was a revelation. He realized that genuine connection—the thing he was actually craving—could never be found in a video. It required the very emotional openness that both the man box and pornography had taught him to avoid.

Narrator: On college campuses and in high schools, hookup culture is often portrayed as a fun, carefree landscape of sexual freedom. Orenstein’s research, however, reveals a much more complicated and often unsatisfying reality for boys. It’s a world fueled by alcohol, driven by performance anxiety, and governed by unspoken rules that reinforce traditional gender roles, including an "orgasm gap" where male pleasure is prioritized.

Nate, a high school junior, learned this the hard way. Feeling immense pressure to gain social status, he was thrilled when a popular senior, Nicole, initiated a hookup with him at a party. He saw it as a "win." But the experience itself was awkward and unfulfilling. The aftermath was even worse. Nicole spread rumors about his poor performance, and Nate was so humiliated he couldn't face going to school. His story dismantles the myth that hookup culture is a simple game of conquest for boys. Instead, it’s often a high-stakes performance where the fear of judgment and shame can overshadow any potential for genuine pleasure or connection.

Narrator: The pressures of the "man box" are compounded for boys who don't fit the white, straight, cisgender mold. Orenstein dedicates significant time to exploring what she calls "gendered racism," where racial stereotypes intersect with masculine norms. Black boys, for instance, navigate a strange duality of being both hypervisible and invisible. They are often stereotyped by white peers as "cool" and athletic, yet simultaneously assumed to be intellectually inferior or more dangerous.

Xavier, a Black student at an exclusive private school, felt this acutely. He was constantly scrutinized, aware that he was being judged not as an individual, but as a representative of his entire race. For him and his friends, the stakes in any social or sexual interaction were dangerously high, with a constant fear that a misstep could lead to a false accusation and devastating consequences. Similarly, the book explores the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ+ youth. While acceptance is growing, they still navigate a world where their identities are questioned and their sexual education is often limited to problematic porn. However, Orenstein notes that the queer community's emphasis on open, verbal negotiation—summed up by the simple question, "What are you into?"—provides a powerful model for healthier, more respectful sexual communication for everyone.

Narrator: One of the most unsettling findings in the book is how many young men who engage in harmful behavior still see themselves as "good guys." They live in a gray area of consent, often driven by a desire for status or a misinterpretation of signals. Liam, a high school graduate, reflects on a hookup where the girl didn't explicitly consent. He admits, "I think of myself as a good guy. I am a good guy. But..." That "but" is where so many young men get lost, unable to reconcile their actions with their self-perception.

This confusion is a two-way street. The book powerfully challenges the myth that only girls and women are victims of sexual assault. The story of Dylan, the soccer captain assaulted while incapacitated, reveals a hidden epidemic of unwanted sexual experiences among boys. Because of the expectation that "all guys want it," their experiences are dismissed, and they are left with shame, anger, and no language to describe their violation. Orenstein argues that this is a critical failure: if boys are taught to deny their own violation, how can they ever learn to truly hear and respect a girl's "no"?

Narrator: Despite the bleak picture, Boys & Sex is ultimately a book about hope and the potential for change. The most powerful path forward is not through punishment, but through education and accountability. This is powerfully illustrated in the story of Sameer and Anwen. After a sexual encounter that Anwen defined as assault, they chose to engage in a restorative justice process. It was a long, difficult journey that required Sameer to move past defensiveness and truly understand the harm he had caused. He educated himself, listened to Anwen's story, and ultimately took public responsibility for his actions.

Their story shows that transformation is possible. It requires moving beyond the simple, legalistic definition of consent and teaching a broader sexual ethic based on mutual respect, care, and communication. It means parents, educators, and coaches must step up and have the difficult, ongoing conversations about relationships, gender, and emotional literacy. It’s about helping boys break out of the man box and find a more expansive, holistic, and ultimately more fulfilling version of masculinity.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Boys & Sex is that young men are not the enemy, but the cramped, outdated, and emotionally stunting script of masculinity they have been handed is. Far from being the confident, aggressive predators of stereotype, the boys Orenstein interviews are often lost, anxious, and desperately hungry for guidance on how to connect with others and with themselves.

The book leaves us with a profound challenge. It’s not enough to simply teach boys a list of things they shouldn't do to avoid getting in trouble. The real work is in actively giving them the language, the role models, and the permission to be their full, authentic selves—to be vulnerable, to be caring, and to be emotionally whole. The question is no longer just how we can stop boys from being "bad," but how we can finally help them learn what it means to be a good man.