Laura: Okay, Sophia. Big Friendship. Five words. Go. Sophia: Friendship is a full-time job. Laura: Ooh, accurate. Mine is: Platonic love deserves a therapist. Sophia: Exactly! And that's what we're getting into today. It’s one of those books that got a ton of buzz for its honesty, but the reality of it is even more raw than people realize. Laura: It really is. Today we are diving deep into Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman. And what’s so fascinating is that these aren't just authors writing about a concept. They're the co-hosts of the popular podcast Call Your Girlfriend, and this book is essentially a memoir of their own friendship, including the part where it almost completely imploded. Sophia: Hold on, you’re telling me this isn't just a theoretical book? They’re the lab rats in their own experiment? Laura: They are the lab rats! The central drama that they build to is the fact that they, as best friends, ended up in couples therapy to save their relationship. Sophia: Wow. Okay, that is radical. We throw around terms like "work bestie" or "BFF," but the idea of needing professional intervention for a friendship feels like a whole other level. It makes you question how seriously we're supposed to take these bonds. Laura: That's the entire point of the book. They argue we should take them as seriously as any romantic partnership or family tie. But before we get to the therapy and the breakdown, we have to understand what they were fighting so hard to save. We need to understand the architecture of what they call a "Big Friendship."

Sophia: I like that term, "architecture." It implies it's something you build, not just something you fall into. So what are the blueprints for a "Big Friendship"? Where does it start? Laura: It starts, as all great modern love stories do, at a Gossip Girl viewing party in 2009. Sophia: Oh, I love this already. Of course it did. XOXO. Laura: Exactly. Ann Friedman walks into this party in Washington D.C., and she sees Aminatou Sow wearing a homemade t-shirt that says "CHUCK + BLAIR" in glitter. And Ann is just immediately impressed. She thinks, who is this person with such commitment to the theme? They start talking, and there's this instant click—a shared sense of humor, a shared sensibility. They call this "The Spark." Sophia: I think we all know that feeling. That immediate, effortless connection. But the book argues it’s more than just liking the same TV shows, right? There’s a deeper reason they connected so intensely. Laura: That's the crucial part. They say behind every "meet-cute" is an emotional origin story. At that time, both of them were feeling adrift in D.C. Ann had moved from California for a job and felt disconnected. Aminatou was an international student from Guinea, navigating visa issues and feeling like an outsider in her own workplace. They were both in their mid-twenties, restless, and looking for someone who saw the person they were trying to become. Sophia: Ah, so it’s about a shared vulnerability. They weren't just two people who liked Gossip Girl; they were two people who needed an anchor. They found it in each other. Laura: Precisely. And that quickly escalates from "The Spark" to what they call the "Obsessed" phase. This is the period of intense bonding. Constant G-chatting, inside jokes—like a running gag about a denim skirt—and just hours and hours of what they call "couch time." Sophia: Couch time! The most sacred of rituals. Just being in the same room, doing nothing, and feeling completely comfortable. Laura: Yes! They emphasize how important that was. Creating a private, no-judgment zone where they could just be. And this is where the friendship deepens into what they call "Chosen Family." This is a huge concept in the book. They argue that their friendship started filling the gaps that other relationships—family, romantic partners—left open. Sophia: Can you give an example of that? How did they function as family for each other? Laura: There are two really powerful stories. The first is when Ann was in an unhappy long-term relationship. She was living with her boyfriend, and things were just not right. Aminatou became her "safe harbor," the person she could confide in without judgment. Aminatou’s support gave Ann the courage to end the relationship, and when she did, Aminatou was there—helping her move, furnishing her new apartment, being her rock. Sophia: She was the emergency contact. The person you call when everything falls apart. Laura: Exactly. And Ann did the same for Aminatou. A few months into their friendship, Aminatou was having a really strained lunch with her father and felt a huge amount of anxiety about her career and life. Afterwards, she had a full-blown panic attack. She went to Ann’s place, and Ann was just completely calm. She didn't judge, she didn't try to solve it, she just offered comfort and a Xanax. In that moment, Aminatou realized she had a "secure base"—a person she could be completely vulnerable with and still be accepted. Sophia: That’s it, isn't it? That's the core of a Big Friendship. It’s not just fun and games. It’s the person who sits with you in your panic. It’s a bond built on trust and showing up. But the book argues that even a bond that strong requires constant, active work to survive. It’s not a fortress you build and then just live in. Laura: Not at all. In fact, that's when the real challenges begin. The maintenance is everything.

Sophia: Okay, so they've built this incredible "Chosen Family" bond. But the book argues that's when the real work starts. Which brings us to this idea I absolutely love: "Shine Theory." Laura: "I don't shine if you don't shine." It’s such a powerful and counter-cultural idea. Ann coined the term, and it’s about a mutual, long-term investment in each other's success. It’s the conscious decision to replace competition and jealousy with collaboration and celebration. Sophia: It’s the antidote to that ugly little feeling you sometimes get when a friend announces amazing news, and for a split second, you feel a pang of insecurity instead of pure joy. Shine Theory is about actively fighting that feeling. Laura: Actively and strategically. It’s not just about cheering from the sidelines. It’s about sharing contacts, giving advice, and amplifying each other's work. They tell a great story about when Ann was offered a big new job as an executive editor. She was hesitant to negotiate her salary, but Aminatou and her other friends basically formed a committee to hype her up. They told her, "Ask for more. You are worth more." And she did, and she got it. Sophia: That’s a perfect example. It’s not just emotional support; it’s tactical support. It’s about wanting your friends to demand more for themselves and helping them get it. But what happens when life isn't about shining? What about when things get hard and one person can't shine at all? Laura: That's the other side of the coin, and it's a concept they call "The Stretch." This is about how friendships have to adapt and be flexible when life throws curveballs. And for them, the curveball was massive. Aminatou started experiencing debilitating health issues. Sophia: This part of the book was so raw. The chronic pain, the endless doctor's visits, the fatigue. Laura: It was incredibly difficult. She was eventually diagnosed with iron-deficiency anemia and later, cancer. Her life became a cycle of "Good Days" and "Bad Days." At this point, Ann was living across the country in Los Angeles. Their friendship was suddenly stretched by both distance and chronic illness. Ann had to learn how to be a supportive friend from afar—sending care packages, organizing food drop-offs, just being present on video chat. And Aminatou had to learn how to ask for and accept that help. Sophia: That’s a huge stretch. And it brings up a really critical question. How do you know if you're 'stretching' for a friend in a healthy way, versus just 'straining' yourself in a one-sided relationship? The book must have a take on this. Laura: It does, and it’s a crucial distinction. A stretch is mutual. Both people are making an effort to adapt to the new reality. A strain is when one person is consistently doing all the adapting, all the giving, without getting anything back. That’s when resentment builds. The authors are clear: a friendship is worth stretching for if both people are committed to the long haul. Sophia: But that commitment gets tested. That line between stretching and straining is where things can start to break down. And for them, it really, really did. Laura: It did. The stretch eventually became a tear. And it all came to a head at a party.

Laura: After years of stretching, their communication started to fray. They were living different lives, dealing with different pressures, and the easy intimacy they once had was gone. And then came the incident that revealed a deep crack in their foundation. Sophia: The party. This story is so powerful. Laura: Ann was hosting a party at her house in California. Aminatou, who is Black, arrived and was having a good time, until she scanned the yard and had a sinking realization: she was the only Black person there. Sophia: Ugh. That feeling. Laura: She felt a wave of discomfort and panic. It wasn't that anyone was being overtly racist. It was the absence. The sudden, stark feeling of being an outsider in her best friend's inner circle. The book introduces this devastating concept from the writer Wesley Morris: "the trapdoor of racism." Sophia: Can you explain that? It’s such a vivid metaphor. Laura: The trapdoor is the idea that for a person of color in a friendship with a white person, there's always an awareness that the floor could drop out at any moment. A careless comment, an ignorant assumption, or a situation like this party can suddenly reveal a gap in understanding that makes you question the entire friendship. It makes you feel unsafe. Sophia: That's such a powerful and painful concept. It's a weight one person is carrying that the other might not even see. And that's what happened. Ann didn't see it. Laura: Not at the time. Aminatou left the party early and didn't bring it up for months. When she finally did, the conversation was tense and difficult. It was the beginning of a long, painful period of disconnection. They were still co-hosting their podcast, projecting this image of perfect friendship to the world, but in private, they were barely speaking. They were faking it. Sophia: Which led to the infamous spa weekend. The desperate attempt to fix things that just made it all worse. Laura: It was a disaster. Forced conversations, awkward silences. They realized their friendship was not, as they used to joke, "too big to fail." It was failing. And that's when Ann made a radical suggestion: "We should try couples therapy." Sophia: I just can’t get over how brave that is. To admit that you need a professional to help you talk to your best friend. So what did they even do in therapy? What does repairing a friendship at that level actually look like? Laura: It was a long process. They had to find the right therapist—someone who understood platonic relationships, race, and their dynamic. The therapist helped them do something crucial: dismantle their "story of sameness." They had built their friendship on the idea that they were so similar, but that assumption was now hiding their real differences and needs. Sophia: So they had to learn to see each other clearly again. Laura: Exactly. Therapy gave them a structured place to have the hard conversations they'd been avoiding. Ann learned that her fear of hurting Aminatou's feelings was causing her to hold back, which made Aminatou feel abandoned. Aminatou learned to articulate her needs more directly. They learned to fight, and more importantly, they learned to repair.

Laura: In the end, what therapy taught them is the central message of the book. A Big Friendship isn't defined by a lack of conflict. It's defined by the mutual commitment to navigate that conflict and come out the other side. It’s about resilience. Sophia: So it's not about finding the perfect, effortless friend. It's about choosing to be a resilient one. It’s about seeing the relationship as a living thing that needs care, attention, and sometimes, serious intervention. Laura: Precisely. They had to acknowledge that their friendship wasn't a magical, unbreakable bond. It was a choice they had to keep making, every day. The work is never really over. Sophia: That’s such a hopeful, and also realistic, way to look at it. It makes you think about your own friendships—which ones are you willing to do the work for? Which ones are your "Big Friendships"? Laura: It's the ultimate question the book leaves you with. And it’s a conversation worth having. We'd love to hear from our listeners about this. What does "Big Friendship" mean to you? Do you have one? Let us know on our social channels. We really want to build a community around these ideas. Sophia: Because these connections are what hold us together. They are, as the book so beautifully argues, how we keep each other close. Laura: This is Aibrary, signing off.