Autumn: Hey everyone, welcome back! Today, we’re tackling something super relatable but often kept hush-hush: those totally overwhelming emotions that make you feel like you're just barely hanging on. You know, those feelings that blindside you, or just kind of chip away at your sanity throughout the day. Rachel: Yeah, like that pit-in-your-stomach feeling when you see someone else's "perfect" vacation shots—or when your to-do list is so long it qualifies as a novel. But here's the kicker: what if all those messy, uncomfortable emotions aren't just problems to solve, but signals, pointing us towards something deeper? Autumn: Precisely! That's the central idea in Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy’s book. They delve into seven major feelings—uncertainty, comparison, anger, burnout, perfectionism, despair, and regret—and reveal how these aren’t merely universal experiences, but genuine opportunities for personal growth, forging deeper connections, and, dare I say, even finding a bit of wisdom. Rachel: So, instead of slapping a “positive vibes only” sticker over your anxiety, it’s about actually tuning in to what that anxiety—or anger, or envy—is trying to communicate. And today, we’re breaking this all down into three parts. Autumn: First, we'll explore how these emotions aren't roadblocks, but rather guides – almost like a compass directing us through life’s challenges. Second, we are going to look at some practical tools for navigating those particularly overwhelming moments. And finally, we'll uncover how connection—not isolation—can reshape these struggles into sources of resilience and inner strength. Rachel: Think of it as developing your own personal user manual for your emotions. It’s not just about managing them, but really understanding how to leverage them to enrich your life.

Autumn: Okay, let's dive right in. A core idea in the book is challenging how we see big feelings as enemies. The authors make a strong case that emotions like uncertainty, anger, and even despair aren't inherently negative. It's more that our culture has taught us to view them that way. Take anger, for instance. We often dismiss it as simply destructive, right? But Fosslien and West Duffy suggest it can actually be a “really” powerful signal, showing us where our boundaries are being crossed or what values are deeply important to us. Rachel: Right, so anger isn’t necessarily the villain; it’s more like a smoke signal, as they say. Okay, but here's the kicker for me: how do you tell the difference between healthy anger that's a useful guide and, say, just… “irrational” anger? You know, like the kind that makes you want to kick a vending machine? Where do you draw that line? Autumn: That’s a brilliant question. Their argument boils down to pausing, just for a moment, to “really” understand what's underneath that anger. Is it actually tied to an unmet need, or is a boundary of yours being ignored? For instance, if you find yourself snapping at your co-workers, maybe the real issue is that you're feeling undervalued or maybe even overworked. So, when you actually shift the focus inward and ask yourself, "Okay, what's this emotion actually pointing to?" that's when you gain clarity. That impulsive vending machine rage, on the other hand, might just be misplaced frustration or pure exhaustion; not necessarily a signal for deeper reflection. Rachel: Okay, so basically, not all anger is created equal, got it. And I imagine uncertainty also fits into this category, right? I mean, speaking as a former "fix-it-now" kind of guy, uncertainty has always been my absolute least favourite emotion. But Fosslien and West Duffy kind of flip that script, don't they? They show how sitting with uncertainty can actually build resilience – if you're willing to actually tolerate it. Autumn: Exactly! They highlight how uncertainty often stems from a basic fear, specifically the fear of the unknown. And instead of trying to immediately fill that void – you know, like Googling every possible solution or making endless backup plans – they actually encourage people to lean into whatever feels uncomfortable. What's particularly fascinating is their distinction between fear and anxiety. Fear is about tangible, immediate threats. Whereas, anxiety is more about those "what-if" scenarios, which are, more often than not, pretty abstract. Rachel: So, fear is like, "There's a bear right now on my hiking trail." But anxiety is more like, "What if there's a bear on someone else's hiking trail… next year?" I get it. But still, leaning into that uncertainty? It sounds pretty counterintuitive. How do they actually recommend doing that without spiralling into some worst-case scenario? Autumn: It “really” comes down to naming the specific fear. For example, instead of vaguely thinking, "Oh, something bad is going to happen," you force yourself to get more precise. Say, "I'm afraid this project might fail because I don't fully understand the scope." That specificity can actually reduce the emotional weight because now you're dealing with something tangible. They also say that journaling can be a “really” valuable tool. It helps you capture those swirling thoughts and basically turn them into something you can evaluate and, ultimately, address. Rachel: Ah, so uncertainty becomes less of a black hole and more of a puzzle – something you can chip away at, instead of trying to avoid it entirely. That makes sense. And speaking of avoidance, let's talk about despair. Even just the word alone feels kind of heavy. The book makes a case that leaning into despair, rather than distracting yourself from it, is actually key to healing. Which, honestly, feels… daunting. Autumn: It is, absolutely. But the authors make a “really” crucial distinction here: facing despair doesn’t mean wallowing in it. It’s about acknowledging the emotions, instead of running from them. Mollie shares this deeply personal story: during a period of intense emotional pain, she actually experienced suicidal thoughts. At first, she tried to distract herself but that only ended up deepening the despair in the long run. It wasn’t until she opened up to her husband and her therapist, and named her feelings for what they truly were, that she actually started to heal. Rachel: I can totally see how avoiding or suppressing emotions – whether it's despair, or even something like loneliness – just puts so much pressure on you, like you are closer to exploding. It's kind of like the emotional equivalent of trying to silence a fire alarm, rather than actually putting out the fire. Autumn: Exactly! And that's where emotional awareness comes in. They emphasize cultivating a state of curiosity, instead of judgment. For Liz, this showed up during her migraines. Initially, she resisted the discomfort and tried to just power through it. But that only made things worse. When she started sitting with the pain and actively reflecting on its emotional underpinnings, it “really” became an opportunity for self-understanding, rather than just needless suffering. Rachel: That's wild. How something as physical as a migraine can have such an emotional layer to it. It's such a good reminder that the mind and body aren't neatly separated, even if we like to treat them that way. Autumn: Completely. And they also explore how emotional awareness can definitely be enhanced through some practical tools. For example, distinguishing between fear and anxiety – like we mentioned earlier – can “really” help people know whether they need to prepare for something specific or “really” focus on grounding themselves in the present. Simple practices like journaling, or those guided reflections, help build that kind of clarity over time. Rachel: Okay, but what about the people who are just inherently skeptical of these practices? Not everyone is naturally inclined towards all this self-reflection stuff. How do you even reach “them”? Autumn: Well, one of the most accessible starting points is vulnerability – not necessarily as some grand revelation, but through a few small, honest conversations. Openly naming what you're feeling can actually turn emotional challenges into shared experiences. Take Mollie’s story again: when she shared her struggles with her husband, it not only helped her process her despair, but it also deepened their relationship. It’s that vulnerability that creates those points of connection, which turns isolation into “real” support. Rachel: And we've seen that at a broader level, too, especially during the pandemic. Fosslien and West Duffy mention how workplace cultures started shifting away from, "How do we hit these numbers?" to "Hey, how do we actually cope with what we're all going through?" That collective acknowledgement of those big feelings turned out to be just as important as any of the business strategies. Autumn: Exactly. Vulnerability isn't just about finding strength within yourself. It's about creating spaces – personal and communal – where it's simply safer to be human. And by normalizing emotions like despair, anger, or uncertainty, they “really” pave the way for people to actually tackle these feelings, rather than hide from them.

Autumn: So, that really gets to the heart of managing emotions, doesn't it? It's about having practical strategies that acknowledge how deeply we feel, but also give us the tools to actively navigate those feelings. Reframing how we see these emotions is key, so we can start exploring effective management techniques. Rachel: Exactly! And this is where I think the book really hits its stride. Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy offer actionable techniques that bridge the gap between just understanding emotions and actually managing them in the moment. It’s not just theory; it’s about real-world application. So, let’s dive into some of their strategies. First up: setting boundaries. Sounds simple, but it's crucial for protecting our mental space, especially when life feels like it's too much. Autumn: You're spot on. Boundaries are tossed around a lot these days, but let's be real, they're easier said than done. People say, "Just set a boundary!" as if it’s as easy as flipping a light switch. It's a whole different ballgame when you're dealing with a boss or a friend who just doesn't get it. Rachel: Precisely. And I think that's why the authors focus on setting intentional boundaries that are realistic for you to maintain. Liz, for example, has a personal rule where she doesn't schedule social events on Thursday nights. It’s non-negotiable, not because she's antisocial, but because she uses that time to recharge. The key is clarity and consistency. Instead of just reacting to every demand or invitation, pause, and ask yourself, "What am I actually gaining by saying yes?" Autumn: Right, it’s almost like treating your energy as a precious resource to be carefully managed. But what about the guilt? Because, let’s face it, guilt is often the thing that traps people in those "yes" cycles. How do you say no without that nagging sense of shame? Rachel: Guilt's a big one, for sure. And that’s why they suggest reframing "no." Instead of seeing it as a rejection, see it as prioritizing your own well-being. You can use clear, but kind phrases, like, "I appreciate the invite, but I need to pass this time." It's not about shutting people out; it’s about respecting your own limits. And honestly, if you're constantly running on empty, what can you really bring to the table for anyone else? Autumn: Exactly. It’s like that whole airplane oxygen mask analogy – you can't help others if you can't breathe yourself. Okay, so boundaries help protect our emotional energy. But what about the physical toll of big feelings? Let’s talk about the stress cycle and how to actually complete it. Rachel: Yeah, this is a really important point. Fosslien and Duffy explain that stress doesn't just magically disappear when the stressful event is over. It accumulates in the body, which is why completing the stress cycle is so crucial. They describe it as addressing the physiological impact of stress – essentially, making sure your body registers that it’s safe to relax. Autumn: Okay, so how do we actually “do” that? Are we talking about meditating on a mountaintop, or something more accessible? Rachel: Thankfully, it's much more down-to-earth than that. Physical activity, like exercise, is incredibly effective. Liz, for example, swears by an hour on the elliptical to release built-up tension. The act of moving your body signals to your brain that the crisis is over. But beyond exercise, they also highlight the power of creativity. During the pandemic, Liz's friend Maxie developed a ritual of putting on makeup every morning – not out of vanity, but because it brought her a sense of structure and calm. Autumn: That's really interesting – so, it's not just about the activity itself, but what it represents. Applying makeup almost sounds like reclaiming a little bit of control during chaos. It’s amazing how something so small can have such a grounding effect. Rachel: Exactly, and that's the beauty of this approach. Whether it's exercise, art, or something as simple as making coffee, these routines act as outlets for stress, helping to reset both the mind and body. And the research backs this up too – cortisol levels drop when we engage in creative or physical activities consistently. Autumn: Right, which makes total sense. It really ties back to that idea of rituals as anchors. Let’s build on this with something almost everyone struggles with: perfectionism. Fosslien and Duffy make a compelling case for embracing “good enough” instead of getting stuck chasing perfection. Rachel: They do, and it’s such a liberating idea. Perfectionism often comes from a fear of failure or a need to prove our worth, but it can easily lead to burnout and paralysis. The authors introduce the idea of practicing what they call “B+ work.” Basically, you deliver something that meets the basic requirements without obsessing over every single detail. Autumn: Wait a minute, B+ work? Sounds like permission to phone it in! I think most professionals might bristle at the thought. Rachel: It's not about doing sloppy work at all. It’s about recognizing that the difference between 80% and 100% effort often isn't noticeable to other people. Liz shares the story of Dave, a leader at Bleacher Report, who encourages his team to aim for 80% completion rather than waiting for perfection. The goal is to prioritize progress over perfection, which frees up time and energy for the things that truly matter. Autumn: You know, I have to admit, that’s actually brilliant. It’s like applying the law of diminishing returns to your workflow. Those last few percentage points often aren't worth the extra strain. I can definitely see how letting go of the obsession with perfection could actually improve productivity and mental well-being. Rachel: Exactly, and it's worth noting that practicing "good enough" isn't about lowering your standards. It's about shifting the focus away from fear and toward meaningful output. You're reserving your energy for what aligns with your values, instead of chasing some unattainable ideal. Autumn: Alright, so we've tackled boundaries, stress cycles, and perfectionism, and I'm already seeing how interconnected these strategies are. I’ll throw one more at you: anxiety. That one feels like the most elusive emotion of all. How do we deal with it when it feels so big and vague? Rachel: Well, that's precisely the point, isn't it? They emphasize that anxiety thrives on vagueness. The authors recommend translating that abstract uneasiness into specific, actionable fears. Once you name it—whether it’s "I’m afraid of failing this project" or "I’m worried about financial security"—you can address it concretely and stop it from spiraling. Autumn: Okay, so naming the fear makes it smaller, more manageable, like breaking down a giant monster into bite-sized pieces. I get that. What about the really existential anxiety, though? You know, the "what if everything goes wrong?" kind. How do we keep that in check? Rachel: Well, they'd argue that distinguishing between what you can control and what you can't is key. Focus on actionable steps within your power while letting go of what you can't influence. This way, you redirect energy toward progress instead of compounding stress over things you can't change. Autumn: Ah, so if I address what’s actionable and let go of the rest, I’m already halfway to emotional equilibrium. That sounds straightforward in theory, but I imagine it requires a lot of practice to fully internalize. Rachel: It totally does. But these strategies aren’t about quick fixes. They’re about building habits over time that create more room for self-compassion, resilience, and balance—even when life throws big emotions your way.

Autumn: So, with these tools we’ve been talking about, it naturally leads us to thinking about the bigger picture, right? In “Big Feelings”, the authors really make a strong case that community and empathy aren't just nice-to-haves for our emotional health—they're absolutely essential. And that’s what we're diving into now: how these shared experiences and human connections are so critical for building emotional resilience. Rachel: Exactly, it's like we've zoomed out from the individual stuff – you know, journaling, reframing, the stress cycle – and now we're seeing how the people around us, and how we interact, “really” shape our emotional lives. "No man is an island," as they say. Autumn, where do we even start with this? Why is empathy such a game-changer? Autumn: Well, empathy is “really” the bridge between feeling isolated and feeling connected. It’s not just feeling sorry for someone, but getting into their emotional headspace, making them feel seen and understood. There’s a great example in the book about Mollie; she was “really” struggling, having “really” dark thoughts, terrified to share them, even with her husband. But she eventually did, and his response wasn’t to freak out or dismiss her. Instead, he was just present, calm and understanding. That empathy, that willingness to just be with her in that moment, was so healing. It helped her feel less alone in what she was going through. Rachel: It’s amazing how often people underestimate the importance of just… being present. It's not about fixing someone's problem or giving a Ted Talk. Sometimes, it's just saying, "I hear you. You're not alone." But okay, so why do you think empathy, which seems so basic, is not our default? Autumn: You know, I think it’s because true empathy takes effort. It requires being vulnerable, which can be uncomfortable and also requires emotional energy. Brené Brown actually makes the distinction between empathy and sympathy “really” well. Sympathy is more like, "Oh, that's too bad for you." Empathy is “really” feeling with someone. Which is draining, especially when you’re dealing with your own stuff. It’s so much easier to give advice or platitudes, but those often miss the point, or even create distance. Rachel: Yeah, sympathy’s like, throwing someone a life raft from your yacht—empathy is diving into the ocean with them when they're drowning. But, Autumn, let's be real, what if you just don't have the emotional bandwidth? Does that mean you're a bad friend or family member? Autumn: Not at all, and that's an important point. The book emphasizes that empathy doesn't have to be huge to be meaningful. It can be small, intentional acts. Like when Liz sent Mollie a care package when she was in physical pain with puzzles and books that she knew Mollie liked. It didn't solve all her problems, but it showed she cared in a thoughtful and manageable way. It’s not about depleting yourself in the name of empathy, but offering what you can in the moment, whether it’s listening, sending a kind text, or validating feelings without judgment. Rachel: That’s such a relief, honestly. Small gestures don’t require you to be a hero, but they can still make a difference. And I want to go back to this one example that Liz and Mollie gave with Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory, I thought that was such a great way to foster empathy, especially for people with invisible struggles like chronic illness. Autumn: Totally. For those who don't know, Spoon Theory uses spoons as a metaphor for energy. People with chronic illnesses wake up with a limited number of spoons, and everything they do—getting dressed, making breakfast, going to work—"uses up" a spoon. Miserandino explained this to a friend by physically handing her spoons, and as her friend tried to go through a typical day, she saw how quickly they disappeared. That exercise created a deep and immediate understanding of what it's like to live with limited energy. And it’s not just educational, but also encourages support and solidarity. Rachel: It’s a great combination of intellectual clarity and emotional resonance, right? I mean, it takes what might seem abstract—like, "I’m exhausted"—and gives it a very tangible, relatable form. Everyone can imagine running out of spoons. But so, empathy clearly helps in personal relationships. What about when someone faces rejection from their core community, like their family? Where does resilience come from then? Autumn: That’s where the role of chosen communities becomes so critical. We have the story of Summer Luk in the book, she's a transgender musician. Her family rejected her when she came out, and insisted she would always be their son. That kind of rejection is devastating. But instead of giving up, Summer found support in online and artistic communities. She used her music to share her story, and this not only gave her a sense of purpose, but also created empathy and understanding with her audience. It just shows that communities, even those you aren’t born into, can offer validation, acceptance, and healing when you need it most. Rachel: That’s inspiring, but it's also a reminder that resilience in the face of rejection isn’t about “toughing it out” alone. Summer found connection, even when her family became a source of pain. And so, safe spaces—whether in LGBTQ+ communities or other marginalized groups—isn’t just about comfort, it's about survival, isn't it? Autumn: Exactly. These communities offer validation and solidarity, especially for individuals facing systemic rejection. Safe spaces allow people to be vulnerable, share without fear of judgment, and connect through shared experiences. For trans and nonbinary individuals, for example, they are lifelines. They can transform what feels like emotional distress into mutual resilience. Rachel: So, empathy—and how it shows up in communities—becomes this multiplier for resilience. But let’s complicate it, because not every connection is positive or helpful. The book points out that boundaries are just as important as connection. How do we deal with relationships that might be draining rather than supportive? Autumn: Right, that’s so important. Connection doesn't mean saying yes to everyone all the time; there's a balance. Mollie offers a great example in the book when she told a friend, during tough time, "I can’t talk to you as often as we used to." She wasn't shutting the friend out, but prioritizing her own capacity. Boundaries like this are a form of self-care, ensuring that connections remain healthy rather than draining. Rachel: Setting boundaries isn’t selfish as much as it is a way to protect the quality of your relationships, right? And ultimately, it makes sense. Both empathy and boundaries allow us to show up fully, without running ourselves dry. It’s like building a sustainable emotional ecosystem, isn’t it? Autumn: Exactly. And that’s why the book keeps coming back to this idea that emotional resilience isn’t just about the individual; it’s rooted in how we show up for each other, with empathy and thoughtfulness, while also respecting our limits. Community and mutual care allow us to move through the toughest emotions and come out stronger on the other side.

Autumn: Okay, so let's bring this all together. We've been talking about how “Big Feelings” really asks us to rethink our relationship with emotions like uncertainty, anger, despair, and anxiety. Instead of seeing them as, you know, obstacles or signs of failure, we can actually see them as valuable lessons. They're there to help us understand our needs, values, and where we can grow. Rachel: Right, and it's not just a shift in perspective, is it? Fosslien and West Duffy arm us with some really practical tools. Naming the emotion to take away its power, setting those really clear boundaries to protect our energy, and even using small rituals to reset when we're feeling stressed. And the best part? Knowing we're not alone in this. Autumn: Absolutely. Empathy and community are so key to building resilience. Whether it's finding common ground with others or setting healthy boundaries in our relationships, it's these connections that really help us turn struggles into strengths. Rachel: So, here’s something to chew on: What's one “big feeling” that you've been dodging? And what if you tried a different approach? Maybe just naming the fear out loud, setting a firm boundary, or reaching out to someone you trust. What do you think it’s trying to tell you, and what's one small step you could take toward finding some balance? Autumn: Because really, managing these big feelings isn't about running away from them. It's about learning from them and moving forward with curiosity, courage, and, of course, compassion. Thanks for tuning in, everyone. And remember, your emotions aren't the enemy. They're actually there to guide you.