Narrator: Imagine standing on a train platform in a city far from home, not waiting for a ride, but planning to end your life. This was the reality for Mollie West Duffy, a successful author and consultant, who found herself in the grips of a profound despair. A chronic, undiagnosed foot injury had left her in constant pain, unable to walk, and isolated in a new city. The woman who co-authored a book on workplace emotions was now overwhelmed by her own, writing a goodbye note in a hotel room. This raw, painful moment of hitting rock bottom is the very heart of the problem explored in Big Feelings: How to Be Okay When Things Are Not Okay. Co-authored by Duffy and Liz Fosslien, the book serves as a practical and compassionate guide for navigating the most difficult and overwhelming emotions we all face—from despair and uncertainty to anger and regret—arguing that these feelings aren't a sign of failure, but an inevitable and even valuable part of being human.

Narrator: The human brain craves certainty. We want to know what comes next, and when we don’t, we experience anxiety. The book argues that a primary source of modern distress is the myth that certainty is attainable. We’re told, “Don’t worry until you have something to worry about,” but this advice ignores the profound discomfort of not knowing.

This is powerfully illustrated by co-author Liz Fosslien’s personal medical mystery. She began suffering from debilitating headaches, launching her into a months-long journey of tests and misdiagnoses. The uncertainty was agonizing. When a doctor prescribed Topamax, a mood-altering drug, it led to a terrifying panic attack on a crowded train. This crisis became a turning point. Liz realized that while she couldn't control the diagnosis, she could control her response. She stopped the medication and began meticulously tracking her life—her schedule, her diet, her moods—to identify her migraine triggers. She separated what was within her control (her daily habits) from what was beyond it (the medical outcome). This strategy, which the book calls separating the "withins" from the "beyonds," is a cornerstone for managing uncertainty. It’s not about eliminating the unknown, but about focusing your energy on the parts of the puzzle you can actually influence.

Narrator: In an age of social media highlight reels, it’s easy to believe that comparison is the thief of joy. The book challenges this, reframing comparison not as a flaw to be eliminated, but as a natural human instinct that can be a powerful tool for self-discovery. The key is to decode the emotion it triggers, most notably, envy.

The authors point to the story of Gretchen Rubin, who was working as a lawyer but secretly dreamed of being a writer. While flipping through her law school's alumni magazine, she felt mild jealousy seeing her peers' legal achievements. But when she read about an alumna who had become a full-time writer, her stomach dropped. That intense, visceral envy was a message. It wasn't just a "negative" feeling; it was a compass pointing directly at her unacknowledged desire. That moment of painful comparison was the catalyst she needed to change her life and become a bestselling author. The lesson is to treat envy not as a source of shame, but as a source of data. When you feel it, don't just stew in it. Ask yourself: What does this person have that I want? The answer can reveal your deepest values and motivate you to pursue them.

Narrator: Anger has a bad reputation. It’s often seen as a destructive, dangerous emotion to be suppressed at all costs, especially for women. Big Feelings argues the opposite: anger is a vital signal, an alarm system that tells you a boundary has been crossed or a value has been violated. As grief expert David Kessler says, "Anger is pain's bodyguard."

Liz Fosslien experienced this firsthand while planning her wedding. As an independent woman, she was infuriated by the constant, unsolicited comments from acquaintances who assumed she would change her name, quit her job, and have children immediately. Her fiancé, Maxim, faced none of these expectations. Her anger grew until she started to resent the institution of marriage itself. It was only when she vented to a friend that she realized her anger wasn't directed at Maxim, but at the sexist societal pressures being forced upon her. This clarity allowed them to act. They created a shared document to define their values and set boundaries with others, turning her anger from a destructive force into a constructive tool for protecting their relationship and her identity. Anger, when understood, provides the information and energy needed to advocate for yourself.

Narrator: The common prescription for burnout—take a vacation, do some yoga—misses the point entirely. The book explains that burnout isn't just about being overworked; it's a state of chronic exhaustion, cynicism, and ineffectiveness often caused by a mismatch between you and your environment. It’s fueled by a culture that ties self-worth to productivity and disproportionately affects women and people of color.

Mollie West Duffy’s story of her own burnout is a stark example. In 2018, she was a high-flying consultant, constantly traveling and pushing herself to the limit. She ignored her body’s warning signs—illness, exhaustion—and felt immense guilt for even considering a break. Her sense of worth was completely tied to her professional achievements. The result was a complete physical and emotional collapse. Her recovery wasn't about a simple vacation. It required a fundamental restructuring of her life: moving to a new city, changing jobs, and, most importantly, learning to detach her worth from her work. The book argues that the first step to healing from burnout is to recognize it's not your fault and to give yourself permission to operate at 80% capacity, prioritizing health as the foundation for, not the reward of, good work.

Narrator: Perfectionism isn't about having high standards; it’s about feeling fundamentally inadequate. The authors state it plainly: "Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate." It’s a shield we build to protect ourselves from judgment, criticism, and the fear that we are not worthy of love.

Liz Fosslien shares a vulnerable story from the early days of her relationship with her now-husband, Maxim. She was so terrified of him seeing her flaws that she hid her true self. When she got food poisoning, her first panic was not about being sick, but about him seeing her messy apartment. This pattern continued, with Liz hiding her anxieties and quirks, until Maxim finally confronted her, saying her inability to be vulnerable was jeopardizing their relationship. This was a wake-up call. Through therapy, Liz realized her perfectionism was a learned survival mechanism, a way to feel worthy of love. The only way to build a real connection was to put down the shield and let herself be seen, imperfections and all. Overcoming perfectionism requires replacing the goal of being flawless with the goal of being authentic.

Narrator: The popular hashtag #NoRegrets promotes a false and unhelpful ideal. The book argues that regret is not only inevitable but one of our most powerful teachers. It’s the emotion that arises when we imagine a better past, and in doing so, it provides a roadmap for how to create a better future.

Liz’s most profound regret came when her grandmother passed away in Germany. Her mother asked her to come help clean out her childhood home, a place filled with memories. But Liz was focused on a promotion at work and declined, telling herself it wasn't practical. The house was sold, and the opportunity was lost forever. The pain of that decision became a powerful internal compass. When her father-in-law passed away years later, she didn't hesitate to take bereavement leave. When her own father was hospitalized, she was on the next flight home. Her regret didn't paralyze her; it transformed her. It taught her a lesson about her priorities that she never forgot. The book encourages us to analyze our regrets—to understand what they say about our values—and use them as fuel to live more in line with who we want to be.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Big Feelings is that emotional health is not the absence of difficult feelings, but the ability to move through them with self-compassion and curiosity. The authors dismantle the myth that being "okay" means being happy all the time. Instead, they show that engaging with our uncertainty, envy, anger, and regret is what leads to true resilience and growth. The goal isn't to build a life free of pain, but to build a life where you have the tools to handle it when it inevitably arrives.

The book leaves us with a powerful challenge: What if we stopped judging our feelings as "good" or "bad" and simply accepted them as information? What if we treated our emotional lives not as a problem to be fixed, but as a landscape to be explored? By doing so, we might just find that being okay, even when things are not okay, is entirely within our reach.