Mark: Alright Michelle, I'm going to say the title of a book, and you give me your gut reaction. Ready? Badass Habits. Michelle: Okay, my gut reaction is... it sounds like it was written by a spin instructor who's had one too many espressos and is about to yell at me to 'crush my goals.' Am I close? Mark: Hilariously close, actually. The author, Jen Sincero, has been called a 'motivational cattle prod.' But there's some surprisingly deep psychology under all that high-octane energy. Michelle: A motivational cattle prod! I love that. So it's not just a lot of shouting and inspirational quotes over a techno beat? Mark: Not at all. And that's what makes her so interesting. Today we're diving into Badass Habits: Cultivate the Awareness, Boundaries, and Daily Upgrades You Need to Make Them Stick by Jen Sincero. And this isn't just some random person giving advice. Her story is fascinating. She was a freelance writer, even played in a few rock bands, and was struggling financially well into her 40s before she had this massive transformation and became a multi-million-copy bestselling author. Michelle: Wow, okay. So she's writing from a place of 'I've been there, I've done the work.' That adds a lot of weight. It's not just theory from an ivory tower. Mark: Exactly. She’s lived the struggle. And that transformation is key, because her whole argument starts with a really provocative idea about why most of our attempts to change fail right out of the gate.

Mark: She puts it very bluntly. In her words, "Contrary to popular belief, habits are more about who you’re being than what you’re doing." Michelle: That makes sense, but can you unpack that? What’s the real difference? Mark: Think about it this way. She uses the example of lottery winners. We've all heard the stories—someone wins millions, and a few years later, they're broke again. Sincero argues it's because their bank account changed, but their identity didn't. Deep down, they still see themselves as a broke person who just got lucky. So their habits—spending, saving, investing—all revert back to serving that broke identity. Michelle: Right, so it's like the difference between someone who says 'I'm on a diet' versus someone who says 'I'm a healthy eater.' The first one is temporary, it's a struggle, it's something you're doing. The second one is just who you are. Mark: That's the perfect analogy. The 'dieter' is constantly fighting their own identity. The 'healthy eater' just eats healthy food because that's what a healthy person does. Sincero herself talks about being perpetually broke. She says she had to stop doing things to get money and start being a person who makes money effortlessly. She had to change her identity first. Michelle: I can see that. But it also sounds a bit... 'woo woo'? Like, can you really just wake up one day and decide to have a new identity? How does that actually work in practice without feeling like you're just lying to yourself? Mark: That's a fair question, and it’s not about a single magical decision. It’s about building proof. She tells this great story about her brother, Stephen. His wife calls him the "Patron Saint of Lost Shiny Things" because he has this uncanny ability to find lost jewelry, coins, anything that glitters. Michelle: Okay, I need a friend like that. Mark: Right? But it's not a superpower. For two years, he worked as a diamond sorter in the basement of a wholesaler in New York. His job, for hours every day, was to stare at tiny, shiny things. Diamonds would constantly get knocked on the floor, and he and his coworkers would have to find them. He spent two years training his brain, consciously and unconsciously, to spot shiny things. His environment and his repeated actions forged an identity. He became a person who finds shiny things. Michelle: Ah, so the identity isn't just a declaration. It's something you build, brick by brick, through repetition and by putting yourself in the right environment. Mark: Exactly. And that idea of environment leads directly to Sincero's second big idea, which I think is the most underrated part of the book: you can't build a new identity without building walls to protect it.

Mark: She calls them healthy boundaries, and she argues they are the absolute, unsung heroes of successful habits. You can have the best intentions in the world, but if your life is a free-for-all, your new habits don't stand a chance. Michelle: Oh, this is where it gets real. I think so many of us, especially women, are trained to be what she calls 'Too Yessy.' The story in the book about the friend who guilts her into staying longer at the store when she desperately needs a night to herself... I felt that in my soul. I've been there, saying yes and then being furious with myself later. Mark: It's such a common pattern. She breaks down boundary issues into three types. There's 'Too Yessy,' where you say yes to please others and avoid conflict. There's 'Too Much No,' where you're walled off, afraid to be vulnerable or ask for help. And then there's 'Too Controlly,' where you're constantly trying to manage everyone else's life. Michelle: I definitely know people in all three categories. Probably am people in all three categories depending on the day. Mark: We all are. But her point is that each one sabotages your ability to grow. You can't build a habit of, say, writing a novel if you're 'Too Yessy' and give your writing time away to everyone who asks. You can't build a habit of connection if you're 'Too Much No' and won't let anyone in. Her core message here is powerful: "Good, clear boundaries are a gift to everyone. Resentment, exhaustion, guilt, obligation, and passive-aggressiveness are gifts to no one." Michelle: I love that. But let's be real. Setting boundaries can have real consequences. People get angry, they call you selfish. The book has a bit of a polarizing reception online, and some critics point out that this kind of advice can feel oversimplified. Does she acknowledge that changing your habits can genuinely upset the people closest to you? Mark: She's very blunt about it. She says to expect it. People resist your change because it disrupts their expectations and their comfort. Your new boundary isn't just about you; it's a mirror that forces them to look at their own lives, and many people don't like what they see. Michelle: So your new gym habit might make your partner feel guilty about their own lack of exercise. Mark: Precisely. And that's why having the tools to stick with your new identity, even when there's pushback, is so critical. Which brings us to the 'Badass Bootcamp' part of the book.

Mark: The second half of the book is a 21-day plan. It's full of these sharp, practical mindset tools to help you anchor the new you. Let's talk about a couple of my favorites. Day 1 is all about creating a 'Mantra of Mightiness.' Michelle: Okay, 'Mantra of Mightiness' definitely sounds like it came from that espresso-fueled spin instructor. How is this different from just, you know, generic positive thinking? Mark: It’s about precision. It's not just vaguely thinking 'I am successful.' It's about identifying the specific, nasty little voice in your head and creating a direct counter-attack. Sincero shares her own process. When she wanted to make more money, her brain's objection was, 'I’m not the kind of person who makes money.' It was an identity block. Michelle: I know that voice. 'I'm not an organized person.' 'I'm not a morning person.' Mark: Exactly. So she didn't just say 'I am rich.' She crafted a mantra that directly fought her specific block: "Money flows to me easily and freely." It targeted the belief that it had to be hard and that she wasn't the 'type.' It's targeted psychological warfare, not just a fluffy affirmation. Michelle: I like that. It's strategic. What's another tool? Mark: Day 5: Refuse to Participate in Negotiations. This one is brilliant. It's about the internal debate we have when faced with temptation. You're at a restaurant, trying to eat healthy. You see the pizza section on the menu. The negotiation starts: 'Well, maybe just one slice... I was good yesterday...' Michelle: The internal lawyer for the defense of bad choices. I know him well. Mark: Sincero says you have to use the 'zero-second rule.' The moment you feel that negotiation begin, you shut it down. You don't engage. You don't debate. You have already decided you are a person who eats a healthy salad. End of story. You immediately close the menu or turn the page. Michelle: That’s so good! It’s about speed. Don't give your lazy, comfort-seeking brain a chance to even get a word in. It's like slamming the door on the snooze button thought before it can even fully form in your mind. Mark: You just have to be faster than your own weakness. It's a simple but incredibly effective technique. You're not fighting the urge; you're just refusing to give it an audience.

Michelle: So when you put it all together, it's not just a list of 'habit hacks.' It's a whole system. First, you have to define the person you want to be—the identity. Then you build the fortress of boundaries to protect that new identity from the world. And finally, you use these daily mental weapons, like mantras and non-negotiation, to fight off the old you from the inside. Mark: That's a perfect summary. And it all comes back to what she says in the final chapter, which I think is the real heart of the book. She says, "Being authentic also means giving yourself permission to change your mind, to make mistakes, to be a jerk, to beg forgiveness..." This isn't about becoming a perfect, disciplined robot. It's about giving yourself permission to become a more authentic, powerful, and fully expressed version of yourself. And that's a habit worth building. Michelle: I really like that. It feels less about punishing yourself for not being perfect and more about... unleashing yourself. For our listeners, what's one simple thing they could take from this today to get started? Mark: Try her Day 1 exercise. Pick one habit you want to build. For the next five minutes, write down every single excuse, fear, and negative belief your brain throws at you for why you can't do it. Then, find the ugliest, most powerful one on that list and craft one, sharp, present-tense sentence that is its exact opposite. That's your Mantra of Mightiness. Start there. Michelle: I love that. And we'd love to hear what you come up with. Find us on our socials and share the habit you're building. Let's see those mantras. It’s a space for badassery, no judgment. Mark: This is Aibrary, signing off.