Narrator: For twelve years, a woman attended the same annual Christmas dinner. And for twelve years, a particular man, a friend of the family, would arrive with a new, beautiful woman on his arm. Each year, the introduction was the same: he’d state her name, and nothing more. He would then spend the rest of the evening working the room, leaving his date to fend for herself in a sea of strangers. Then, one year, something changed. He arrived with a woman and introduced her to everyone as “my lady.” He held her hand, stayed by her side, and made sure she was part of every conversation. The next year, he brought the same woman back, only this time, he introduced her as his fiancée.

What changed? Why was this woman different from the dozen who came before her? This is the central puzzle that comedian and radio host Steve Harvey sets out to solve in his provocative and wildly popular book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Harvey contends that for too long, women have been playing the game of love without knowing the rules, taking advice from other women who are just as clueless. He offers his book as the ultimate playbook, a guide to the male mind that reveals what men really think about love, commitment, and relationships.

Narrator: Before a woman can understand a man’s actions in a relationship, Harvey argues she must first understand his fundamental drivers. According to the book, a man’s identity is built on three pillars: who he is (his title or role), what he does (his job or purpose), and how much he makes (his ability to provide). These are not just superficial concerns; they are the core components of his self-worth. Until a man feels he is on track to achieving his goals in these three areas, a relationship will only ever fit into the “cracks” of his life.

This drive is encoded in what Harvey calls the male DNA: the innate need to be a provider and a protector. This explains why a man’s career and financial stability often take precedence. He isn’t being selfish; he is fulfilling a primal need to be able to care for a family. Harvey illustrates this with his own story. After being laid off from Ford, he was lost, working odd jobs with no clear identity. It was only when he took a risk on stand-up comedy and earned his first $50 that he found his purpose. He immediately had business cards printed that read, “Steve Harvey. Comedian.” He had defined who he was and what he did, setting him on the path to becoming the man who could eventually provide for a family.

Narrator: Harvey asserts that women often feel unloved because they expect men to express love in the same nurturing, patient, and unconditional way they do. This, he says, is a fundamental mistake. A man’s love is simpler, more direct, and demonstrated through action, not just words. To understand it, a woman needs to look for what Harvey calls “The Three P’s of Love”: Profess, Provide, and Protect.

A man who truly loves a woman will Profess it. He will publicly claim her as his own, using titles like “my girlfriend,” “my lady,” or “my wife.” This isn’t just about ego; it’s a signal to the world—and other men—that she is with him. He will also Provide. This is tied directly to his core drivers; a man shows his love by ensuring his partner and family have what they need, whether it’s financial security or fixing a leaky faucet. Finally, he will Protect. Harvey shares a story from his childhood when an insurance man threatened his mother. His father, upon hearing of the disrespect, didn’t talk about it; he waited for the man’s next visit and physically confronted him, ensuring he would never threaten his family again. For Harvey, this is the essence of male love: a fierce, instinctual defense of those he cares for.

Narrator: According to Harvey, from the moment a man meets a woman, he is subconsciously placing her into one of two categories: a “sports fish” or a “keeper.” A sports fish is for fun, a casual encounter with no strings attached. She is a woman who can be caught and thrown back. A keeper, on the other hand, is marriage material—a woman he wants to build a future with.

Crucially, the book argues that it is the woman, not the man, who determines which category she falls into. This is defined by her standards, her self-respect, and how she presents herself. A woman who lacks clear requirements, allows disrespect, and makes herself easily accessible is signaling that she is a sports fish. A keeper, however, has high standards, commands respect, and communicates her value from the outset. Harvey uses the example of a man approaching an attractive woman at the gym. If he compliments her and she responds with a flippant, easy remark, he’ll likely see her as a short-term prospect. But if her response conveys self-respect and a focus on her health and goals, he is more likely to see her as someone worth pursuing for a real connection.

Narrator: The book’s “playbook” section is built on a single, powerful idea: men respect standards. To get the relationship she deserves, a woman must establish her requirements and communicate them clearly. Harvey’s most famous piece of advice is the “Ninety-Day Rule.” He draws an analogy to his first job at the Ford Motor Company, where he had to complete a 90-day probationary period before he was eligible for benefits like health insurance. He had to prove he was a worthy employee through hard work and reliability.

He argues women should apply the same logic to relationships. The “benefit” of sexual intimacy should only be granted after a man has completed a 90-day probation. During this time, a woman can assess his character, his intentions, and his willingness to invest in the relationship. A man who is only interested in a casual encounter will not wait 90 days. But a man who sees her as a “keeper” will put in the time and effort to meet her requirements. This period isn't about withholding affection, but about building a foundation on respect and genuine interest, ensuring the man is there for her, not just for what she can offer him.

Narrator: Harvey addresses a modern dilemma faced by many strong, successful, and independent women who find themselves lonely. He argues that while independence is a virtue, some women have become so self-reliant that they have inadvertently pushed men away by making them feel useless. A man’s core programming is to provide and protect. When a woman makes it clear she doesn’t need him for anything—financially, physically, or emotionally—it can emasculate him.

To illustrate the destructive potential of this, Harvey tells the story of a financially struggling man who was shopping with his successful girlfriend. He put a bottle of his favorite pineapple juice in the cart. His girlfriend, who was paying, became furious, berating him for wanting something he couldn't afford and smashing the bottle on the floor in a humiliating display. The man left the relationship soon after. The point isn't that women should be helpless, but that they should allow a man to fulfill his role. Letting him open the jar, pay for dinner, or handle a problem—even if she can do it herself—is about respecting his need to feel needed, which is essential for a healthy, balanced partnership.

Narrator: The book tackles the difficult topic of infidelity with blunt honesty. Harvey posits that men cheat for a simple reason: because they can. They are often able to separate the physical act of sex from emotional love, allowing them to rationalize an affair as something that doesn't affect their primary relationship. They also often believe they can get away with it.

While the ultimate responsibility for cheating lies with the man, Harvey suggests that women are not powerless. Infidelity often occurs when the relationship at home has grown stale or when a man’s fundamental needs—support, loyalty, and sex—are not being met. If a man doesn’t feel like a king at home, he may be tempted to find a woman who makes him feel that way. The book advises women to maintain the spark, appreciate their man, and ensure his core needs are fulfilled. Furthermore, by setting firm standards and making it clear that infidelity is an unforgivable deal-breaker, a woman raises the stakes and makes the consequences of cheating too high for a man who truly values her.

Narrator: The single most important takeaway from Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man is that women fundamentally misunderstand the power they hold in relationships. Men are simple creatures driven by a desire to impress women, provide for them, and protect them. The woman who understands this playbook—who sets high standards, communicates her requirements, and respects a man’s need to be a man—is the one who wins the game.

Harvey’s advice challenges modern conventions and may seem controversial to some. Yet, its enduring popularity suggests it resonates with many who feel lost in the complexities of modern dating. The book leaves its audience with a critical question: Are you clearly and confidently presenting your requirements for a relationship, or are you simply hoping the man you’re with will one day figure out what you want? According to Steve Harvey, hope is not a strategy.